You are the epitome of fundamentalist state violence and Hillary Clinton is your key weapons supplier.
You are the ideological source of the most reactionary interpretation of Islam. For you, “democracy” is something you read about in science fiction novels, and workers’ movements make you a bit too trigger-happy. You can always count on Hillary to give you a sweet deal on the latest iPhone 7 or McDonnell Douglas F-15E Strike Eagle. Not only that, she’ll likely turn a blind eye when you use these gifts to destructive ends. Thankfully, she is there for you no matter what!
Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chair of the Democratic National Committee
“BFF” is an understatement when it comes to describing your relationship with Hillary Clinton.
You’re the truest and most loyal of the bunch since for you, friendship transcends the most basic principles of equality and reason. You’re not afraid to express an egregious level of partiality, sacrificing your own power and legitimacy in order to maintain that of party bureaucracy. Nothing gets in the way of your bond – not even democracy!
Naturally, you’ve made a lot of enemies during your lifetime as a self-aggrandizing criminal and a robber-barton — but Hillary Clinton is not one of them.
You’re by no means close with Hillary, but you admire her plucky neocon spirit. You admit that there’s no difference between your approaches when it comes what to do to the people of Iraq, Libya, or Yemen. If your relationship with Hillary has taught you anything, it’s this: ideology trumps party politics…especially when there’s a new potential leader in town threatening the image and stability of the Grand Ol' Party.
You're a giant vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, but you like to think you're doing the work of God.
Lucky for you, Hillary Clinton's experience and brand of empowerment is great for capital. She represents Wall Street and has never been afraid to admit it. Unfortunately, your reputation has been tarnished for a number reasons, including your role in igniting the 2008 financial crises. Such a faux pas is especially unpopular these days, and you'll do anything in your power to squash this dangerous talk of "socialism." Even though you're unable to openly endorse Hillary, you know where her allegiances lie. Who needs transcripts when you've seen and bankrolled the live gig?
You're the head of a fanatic right-wing government and oversee an apartheid state. The unbreakable bond between you and Hillary Clinton is sealed with blood.
The virulent anti-Arab violence of your country is the norm. Your policies of ethnic-cleansing and expanding illegal settlements have failed to put even the slightest dent in Hillary's conscience. For this, you are grateful. As the international community makes united efforts to isolate you and undermine Israel's future as an apartheid state, Hillary Clinton has vowed to frustrate any semblance of social justice for the Palestinians, including the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement. Lucky for you, your fascism is overshadowed by the specter of Clinton's Republican rival.
You are the undertaker of facts and the architect of all military propaganda that's fit to print. As such you are Hillary Clinton's most dynamic and useful ally.
Whether it is providing the public with phony US intelligence on the Iraq War or concealing systemic Israeli violence against Palestinians, your liberalism has proven to know no bounds. Additionally, as one of her bravest friends, you're not afraid to bow down to political or financial pressures to sell a war. She's a veteran warmonger. You're an experienced war-marketeer. Not even Kissinger could dream up a more perfect union.