What Pattern Is Keeping Us Stuck in our Relationship?

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Quiz Questions

1.
How does a disagreement typically start?
- A.
  I'm upset and I say something.
- B.
  My partner is upset and says something.
- C.
  We don't really talk about disagreements or get into a lot of arguments
2.
When you're upset about something, you tend to:
- A.
  Tell your partner directly
- B.
  Get angry or frustrated with your partner
- C.
  Not share this with your partner. What's the point in starting a fight anyway?
3.
When your partner tells you they're upset, you:
- A.
  Nod and listen but don't say anything. You don't think saying anything is beneficial
- B.
  Listen to your partner, but you already have your reasons ready to explain why it happened
- C.
  Tell your partner something that you are upset about too.
4.
Overall, I think I care more for my partner than my partner cares for me
- A.
  Strongly Agree
- B.
  Agree
- C.
  Neither Agree nor Disagree
- D.
  Disagree
- E.
  Strongly Disagree
5.
It's easier to keep emotionally distant in my relationship. I don't share my feelings.
- A.
  Strongly Agree
- B.
  Agree
- C.
  Neither Agree nor Disagree
- D.
  Disagree
- E.
  Strongly Disagree
6.
Which statement do you identify with most?
- A.
  When my partner is frustrated, I tend to shutdown.
- B.
  When my partner is frustrated, I get more critical and upset.
7.
What are you more likely to show your partner when it comes to your feelings?
- A.
  Anger, frustration, annoyance, resentment, criticism
- B.
  Defensive, guilty, cold, numb, withdrawn
8.
Check all that your partner tends to show you
- A.
  Anger and frustration
- B.
  Resentment
- C.
  Criticism
- D.
  Annoyed
- E.
  Cold and Numb
- F.
  Defensive
- G.
  Guilty
- H.
  Distant and withdrawn
9.
When you tell your partner you're upset, how do they respond?
- A.
  They get mad and more angry. It's like they one up me.
- B.
  They get defensive. Somehow it seems like its never their fault.
- C.
  They shutdown and don't say anything.
- D.
  I don't tell them when I'm upset.
10.
When you and your partner argue, what tends to happen?
- A.
  I up the ante. I make sure my point is heard. And my partner does the same.
- B.
  I get angry and try to make my point. My partner gets defensive.
- C.
  I feel like I have to always defend myself because my partner "comes at me" with their issue.
- D.
  My partner gets frustrated. I get overwhelmed and I’m not sure what to say.
- E.
  I usually walk away and don’t engage.
- F.
  I stay focused on one topic.
11.
Often, we don't show our vulnerable feelings to our partner. Which core feelings do you identify with the most?
- A.
  Rejected, never good enough, inadequacy, numbness, fear, failure, shame, confused, overwhelmed
- B.
  Hurt, sadness, alone, isolated, worry, abandoned, not important
- C.
  Scared to rock the boat, anxious, nervous
12.
In your relationship, you need (choose the best statement)
- A.
  To know I am good enough. That my partner needs me and that I am enough for them.
- B.
  Independence and space. Being apart is good for us.
- C.
  To be seen and heard, and receive validation and acknowledgement. I want to know that I am important to them.
13.
Underneath the disagreements, which statement do you most identify with?
- A.
  “I'm so lonely. My partner just doesn’t see me. They never respond to me.”
- B.
  "I don't feel important to my partner"
- C.
  "I need validation. I want my partner to understand me."
- D.
  “Why can’t my partner just see that I’m trying my best? It’s like anything I do is never good enough.”
- E.
  "I feel like I'm always failing my partner"
- F.
  "I'm scared at what is going on for my partner. I don't ask to not rock the boat."
14.
Read the following scenarios. While you may not identify specifically with just one, choose the one that you could see happening most in your relationship.
- A.
  Kim is frustrated with her partner. It’s been a week since they had any time together, and tonight her partner has arrived home late, again. They get in the door and she asks “Where have you been? You said you were going to be home at 5. You didn’t even think that I would want to know what time you would be home at?” Her partner gets defensive, and says, “Here we go again Kim. I just can’t get it right with you. It’s always about you.” And they walk out of the room.
- B.
  Things are feeling okay between Kim and her partner, but they both feel like something is missing. They try not to make waves and prefer to avoid conflict. When they talk to their friends, they say they don't have disagreements at home. They keep themselves busy and while they enjoy time together, they also focus on time apart. There is a feeling of frustration that they don’t know what is happening for their partner but they don’t know where to start. So they keep doing the same thing.
- C.
  Kim says, “This is ridiculous. You tell me that everything is my fault when you’re the one not helping out.” Her partner responds by upping the ante, "You never see what I’m doing anyways. You are so critical. Just last week, I was helping you and you were so huffy puffy.” Neither partner feels heard.

Quiz Outcomes

1.
The Blame Game | Pointing Fingers at the other Person
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This pattern looks like both partners protesting and becoming loud to be connected, heard, and understood. It’s like upping the ante to be heard, seen, or acknowledged. Both partner’s tend to demand, complain, and criticize each other. What ends up happening is you both don’t feel heard and you may struggle to resolve your difficulties.Check your email for more details on what is happening in your cycle and how to begin to change it.
2.
The Pursue-Withdraw | When you come close, I move away
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This is one of the most common patterns that couples get stuck in. One partner is pursuing the other out of an attempt to connect with them. They may feel insecure and anxious at the space between them, so to cope they tend to approach their partner, blame, or get critical. The other partner feels this intensity and attempts to create greater separation and space, either by being defensive, withdrawing, or stonewalling. Check your email for more details on what is happening in your cycle and how to begin to change it.
3.
Shutting Down | We don’t talk about the hard stuff
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This pattern is often more subtle, and couple partners tend to describe their relationship as not having any big disagreements. In this cycle, both partners withdraw from each other. The challenge is that it's like sweeping the difficulties under a rug, and the rug becomes too bumpy to walk on. Partners may feel helpless knowing how to restore their connection.Check your email for more details on what is happening in your cycle and how to begin to change it.