Singles find themselves in a lot of awkward situations at church. Choose your knee-jerk reaction to each prompt and learn your social superpower. Think of it like an aptitude test... for all the weird things people say to singles at church.
A rando at coffee hour reminds you that your biological clock is ticking with the earnestness of an end-times preacher. You…
A.
Let your eyes glaze over and think about what you need to pick up at the store later.
B.
Say, “Jesus commanded us to make disciples, not babies.”
C.
Ask where babies come from.
D.
Nod and thank them for their concern.
2.
You’re trapped in a conversation with new moms about breastfeeding and bleeding nipples! You…
A.
Irish exit the heck outta there.
B.
Say, “Well this is suuuuuuuper interesting, but could we talk about literally anything else?”
C.
Blurt out “Yes, I also have nipples."
D.
Make a note so that you can better relate to your friends who are moms.
3.
You’re out at dinner with your community group and your married friends crowd around your phone looking at your dating app like it’s a Nat Geo special. You…
A.
Grab your phone back, throw it in the nearest body of water, and move to Brazil.
B.
Say, “Well, not all of us met our spouse in elementary school.”
C.
Curl up into the fetal position and start humming, “All By Myself,” by Celine Dion.
D.
Laugh along with them as they talk about how glad they are they met their spouse in college.
4.
You’re sitting alone during a church service and you haven’t touched another human in 9 days, 7 hours, and 53 minutes. You…
A.
Continue to keep it inside--it’s better than being perceived as flirty.
B.
Strategically work the room during the passing of the peace so you can optimize the number of hands you shake.
C.
Stand way too close to everyone at coffee hour and in the line for the bathroom.
D.
Don’t experience touch deprivation, wtf.
5.
You take the leap to strike up a conversation with someone of the opposite sex after church. They immediately bring up their significant other, wildly gesturing and over-enunciating the word “spouse.” You...
A.
Give them a concerned look, then carry on with the conversation.
B.
Respond, “Well I better take you off of my fantasy spouse draft list then.”
C.
Start talking about the least sexy thing you can think of, like the time you vomited so hard you busted the stitches from your sinus surgery.
D.
Start making plans to third wheel with them because you love new friends!
6.
You confide in a married friend about your struggle with celibacy and they come back with a TedTalk about sex and trusting God. You…
A.
Blush violently and decide to never talk to anyone about sex ever again.
B.
Lose control of the volume of your voice and say, “HOW DOES THAT HELP ME NOT WANT TO JUMP EVERY MALE/FEMALE I SEE??”
C.
Get flustered and somehow end up asking them about their sex life.
D.
Hug them for being such a good listener in your time of need.
7.
The eager-eyed Kids Ministry Coordinator corners you after the service and asks you to volunteer, stating, “I’m so jealous of how much free time you must have because you’re single!” You…
A.
Pretend to see a friend and hurriedly walk away before you unintentionally commit.
B.
Say, “I’m allergic to children,” and start to pull out your EpiPen
C.
Over-zealously reply “I LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH THE CHILDREN,” decide that sounded weird, over-correct with, “I mean, what? I hate kids,” and proceed to dig the hole deeper and deeper until the Coordinator slowly backs away.
D.
Agree, and whip out your agenda and colored pens to start adding it to your already packed schedule.
Congrats! You have perfected the art of the hard “nope.” You love a good Irish exit and are a master of deflection. Your superpower: Self-awareness. It takes guts to do what you do, and an understanding of what you’re cool with and what you aren’t. Your kryptonite: Confrontation. Though your instinct to walk away means you are listening to your instincts and boundaries, there are situations in which confrontation is the healthiest option.
Congrats! You have perfected the art of clap back. You love a good witty retort and have sass for days. Your superpower: Calling people on their nonsense. Your B.S. meter is finely tuned and you have a low threshold for tolerating it. Your kryptonite: Diplomacy. While your cleverness is in many ways a virtue, it can also hold you back from getting more of what you want and communicating effectively.
Congrats! You have perfected the art of paying attention. You love a good pregnant pause and intuit things that other people miss. Your superpower: Reading between the lines. Your spidey sense for derpiness is off the charts and that makes you highly empathetic. Your kryptonite: Overthinking. While noticing the weirdness is a gift, overanalysis can paralyze you and prevent you from engaging in meaningful dialogue.
Congrats! You have perfected the art of rising above. You love a good polite nod and you’re a skilled peacekeeper. Your superpower: Seeing the silver lining. You can turn anything on its head and see the good in any situation or person. Your kryptonite: Conflict. While your instinct to keep the peace is an asset, it can also prevent you from expressing your needs honestly through healthy conflict.
