So... you LOVE giving advice. We call this your Advice Monster (pictured below).

Quiz Questions

• 1.
  I see myself as

  • A.
    1: A specialist: I know how to do one thing really well
  • B.
    2 Mostly a specialist
  • C.
    3 Right in the middle
  • D.
    4 Mostly a generalist
  • E.
    5: A generalist: I know how to do many things "OK"
• 2.
  I'm doing my most important work when

  • A.
    I keep things on track
  • B.
    I ensure we get the best outcome
  • C.
    I make sure everyone's looked after
• 3.
  What creates most anxiety for me is when

  • A.
    There's confusion about what is the best outcome
  • B.
    There's uncertainty about who's doing what
  • C.
    There's ambiguity about how we'll get it done
• 4.
  The secret to team success is

  • A.
    Great people
  • B.
    Great process
  • C.
    Great solutions and ideas
• 5.
  When I need to recharge, I prefer to head to

  • A.
    The mountains
  • B.
    The desert
  • C.
    The ocean
• 6.
  The person I work with who irritates me most

  • A.
    Doesn't come up with their own ideas and solutions
  • B.
    Doesn't keep me in the loop
  • C.
    Doesn't consider other people's needs
• 7.
  I'm most comfortable when

  • A.
    I'm feeling good about the outcome
  • B.
    I'm feeling good about the process
  • C.
    Everyone feels good about themselves
• 8.
  The colour that reminds me most of me is

  • A.
    Hot pink
  • B.
    Cool blue
  • C.
    Sunny yellow
• 9.
  When I think of my most productive time of day, I think of myself as

  • A.
    An early bird
  • B.
    A night owl
  • C.
    A day lark
• 10.
  I'd describe my leadership style as

  • A.
    Fast car
  • B.
    Slow train
  • C.
    Exploratory walk
• 11.
  What strikes a chord?

  • A.
    “If you were born with the weakness to fall you were born with the strength to rise” ~ Rupi Kaur, from "Milk and Honey"
  • B.
    “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” ~ Mary Oliver from "The Uses of Sorrow"
  • C.
    “Tread softly because you tread on my dreams” ~ W.B. Yeats, from "Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven"

Quiz Outcomes

• 1.
  You're Advice Monster is Tell-It. (Here's what to do about that.)

  Tell-ItFrom the answers you gave, it seems that the persona of the Advice Monster that you know best is Tell-It. (And hot pink is your shade. Nice choice.)You’re in good company here! There are lots of other people who are VERY familiar with Tell-It!Tell-It is the loudest and most obvious of the Advice Monster personas. It’s convinced you that your job, the most essential way you contribute to those around you, is to offer up ASIA: Answers, Solutions Ideas & Advice. You need to have an answer—no, THE answer—to everything. If you don’t, nothing will get solved and we’ll all fail.But before we dig into the details...Remember two things. First, this isn't The Truth. It's a short, fun questionnaire. It's like a funfair mirror: amusing and only partially true. Like all feedback, you get to choose what's useful and ignore the rest.Second, it's meant to be helpful, not punitive. You might be tempted to beat yourself up a little. Don't. Just recognize that you (like everyone) has an advice-giving habit, and then start doing the work to #TameYourAdviceMonster.Prizes & PunishmentsThere are plenty of immediate benefits you get when Tell-It is in charge. We can call these the “prizes”: But there’s a price you and others pay when the Advice Monster has the reins. These are the “punishments”: Future YouIf you’re up for calming down your Advice Monster (and I think you are), a powerful step is to understand that you can play a different game. The “prizes and punishments” above is the pattern for Current You. But imagine a Future You where things have shifted so that: You break the dynamic of the overdependent team who come to you for everything. You reduce the sense of overwhelm, by no longer feeling you’re responsible for every answer. You find the opportunity to reconnect to your Great Work: work that has more meaning, work that has more impact.Tactics to considerStart by watching the video of me facilitating a process to help go deeper in understanding your specific Advice Monster so you can create some new habits. It's at www.MyAdviceMonster.com.Meantime, here are five things you can experiment with as you seek to tame Tell-It. Remember, advice itself isn’t bad. There’s plenty of times and places where your insights and options are exactly what’s needed. It’s the Advice-Giving Habit we’re trying to break, so you can stay curious a little bit longer, and rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly.And don’t forget, you’re not just Tell-ItLet's face it, you're an interesting and complex human being. Even though the strongest Advice Monster persona for you seems to be Tell-It, it’s most likely you have all three personas playing out with different people at different times. You might recognize these two characters…Save-ItSave-It! cloaks itself in the garb of moral righteousness. It’s persuaded you that your job is to rescue every person and every situation. This is how you’re helpful. And indeed, if it wasn't for your vigilance and self-sacrifice, all will fail. (It feels so true … and yet, what a heavy and impossible burden.)Control-ItControl-It! is the slipperiest of the three personas. It stays in the shadows, and it’s hell-bent on persuading you that if you don’t stay on top of things then chaos will come and you (and everyone) will fail. (Also, a heavy and impossible burden.)That's it!Thanks for supporting The Advice Trap and The Coaching Habit. And best of luck in the quest to #TameYourAdviceMonster!Michael Bungay StanierPS – there are two things you could do to help me, if you were so moved…
• 2.
  You're Advice Monster is Tell-It. (Here's what to do about that.)

  Tell-It From the answers you gave, it seems that the persona of the Advice Monster that you know best is Tell-It. (And cool blue is your shade. Nice choice.) You’re in good company here! There are lots of other people who are VERY familiar with Tell-It! Tell-It is the loudest and most obvious of the Advice Monster personas. It’s convinced you that your job, the most essential way you contribute to those around you, is to offer up ASIA: Answers, Solutions Ideas & Advice. You need to have an answer—no, THE answer—to everything. If you don’t, nothing will get solved and we’ll all fail. But before we get into the details... I'd love to remind you of two things: First, this is just a questionnaire. It was 21 questions ... so it's not the Truth, it's an interesting mirror to hold up and see what's there. Take what's useful, ignore what's not. Second, this is meant to be helpful, not punitive. Don't beat yourself up when you see your Advice Monster laid out in black and white. But do, perhaps, think about what you'd like to do to tame that monster! (There's a video and a worksheet at www.MyAdviceMonster.com, in case you're looking for help.) Prizes & Punishments There are plenty of immediate benefits you get when Tell-It is in charge. We can call these the “prizes”: You get to prove your worth. Look at all of those ideas! I’m “adding value”! You get to feel like you’re the smart person in the room. You get to have “high status” in the room … because after all you think you’re the smart person in the room, and you’re certainly the loudest voice. You get to have the last word. You keep things moving fast. We’ve got a solution! Next! But there’s a price you and others pay when the Advice Monster has the reins. These are the “punishments”: You carry the heavy burden of thinking you need to know the answer to every inquiry and challenge that comes along. You diminish and disempower the other person (or other people): you and they both come to mistakenly believe that your ideas are the best ones, and theirs aren’t. You start thinking that your only “value add” is your ASIA: Answers, Solutions, Ideas & Advice. You get fooled into thinking that having ideas is the most important part of the conversation. You’re moving fast, solving the wrong problem because you think the answer matters more than the question. Future You If you’re up for calming down your Advice Monster (and I think you are), a powerful step is to understand that you can play a different game. The “prizes and punishments” above is the pattern for Current You. But imagine a Future You where things have shifted so that: You add value by enabling and empowering others to find the best answers. You no longer feel the weight of having to have the answer, but trust others to contribute. You add value by asking the questions that uncover the real challenge, so we’re all now finding answers to the thing that matters. You don’t waste time coming up with ideas that are solving the wrong problems. You add value by sharing your ideas and advice and opinions, but selectively and strategically and deliberately, rather than automatically. You break the dynamic of the overdependent team who come to you for everything. You reduce the sense of overwhelm, by no longer feeling you’re responsible for every answer. You find the opportunity to reconnect to your Great Work: work that has more meaning, work that has more impact. Tactics to consider If that’s the Future You you’d like to be, here are five things you can experiment with as you seek to tame Tell-It. Notice who else around you has Tell-It as their primarily Advice Monster persona. Watch and notice the dynamic and impact of their conversations, so you can get a deeper sense of the impact of yours. (I bet somebody’s coming to mind right away.) Add “And what else?” to your repertoire. It’s the fastest way to make curiosity a key part of your conversations; and curiosity is THE great tamer of the Advice Monster. Set a goal not to offer ASIA (Answers, Solutions Ideas and Advice) until you’ve heard at least two other options from others. With practice, you can increase that number. (See #2: Ask “And what else?”!) When you have an ASIA that you’d like to offer up, write it down before you speak it. When you have ASIA in a virtual exchange, put it in drafts and wait for ten minutes. After the rush to give advice has passed, decide if it’s still the right thing to do. When someone asks for your advice directly, use this script. “That’s a great question. I’ve got some ideas, which I’ll share with you. But before I do, what’s your first idea?” And when the give you that idea, say “Terrific!” and then ask, “And what else?” Watch the video of me facilitating a process to help go deeper in understanding your specific Advice Monster and creating some specific new habits at MyAdviceMonster.com. Remember, advice itself isn’t bad. There’s plenty of times and places where your insights and options are exactly what’s needed. It’s the Advice-Giving Habit we’re trying to break, so you can stay curious a little bit longer, and rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly. Don’t forget, you’re not just Tell-It Even though the strongest Advice Monster persona for you seems to be Tell-It, it’s most likely you have all three personas playing out with different people at different times. You might recognize these two characters… Save-ItSave-It! cloaks itself in the garb of moral righteousness. It’s persuaded you that your job is to rescue every person and every situation. This is how you’re helpful. And indeed, if it wasn't for your vigilance and self-sacrifice, all will fail. (It feels so true … and yet, what a heavy and impossible burden.) Control-ItControl-It! is the slipperiest of the three personas. It stays in the shadows, and it’s hell-bent on persuading you that if you don’t stay on top of things – everything, and everybody – then chaos will come and you (and everyone) will fail. (Also, a heavy and impossible burden.) Thanks for supporting The Advice Trap and The Coaching Habit. Michael Bungay Stanier PS – there are two things you could do to help me, if you were so moved… Tweet or post your result here. That will help others know about the questionnaire, which will help us build a more robust data set. There are links below Consider writing an Amazon review of The Advice Trap and/or The Coaching Habit. It makes it easier for others to know the books are useful when they see your comments. [My Advice Monster is Tell-It! Want to know what’s yours? Find out fast here [link] and learn how to #TameYourAdviceMonster #TheAdviceTrap #TheCoachingHabit]
• 3.
  You're Advice Monster is Tell-It. (Here's what to do about that.)

  Tell-It From the answers you gave, it seems that the persona of the Advice Monster that you know best is Tell-It. (And sunny yellow is your shade. Nice choice.) You’re in good company here! There are lots of other people who are VERY familiar with Tell-It! Tell-It is the loudest and most obvious of the Advice Monster personas. It’s convinced you that your job, the most essential way you contribute to those around you, is to offer up ASIA: Answers, Solutions Ideas & Advice. You need to have an answer—no, THE answer—to everything. If you don’t, nothing will get solved and we’ll all fail. Prizes & Punishments There are plenty of immediate benefits you get when Tell-It is in charge. We can call these the “prizes”: You get to prove your worth. Look at all of those ideas! I’m “adding value”! You get to feel like you’re the smart person in the room. You get to have “high status” in the room … because after all you think you’re the smart person in the room, and you’re certainly the loudest voice. You get to have the last word. You keep things moving fast. We’ve got a solution! Next! But there’s a price you and others pay when the Advice Monster has the reins. These are the “punishments”: You carry the heavy burden of thinking you need to know the answer to every inquiry and challenge that comes along. You diminish and disempower the other person (or other people): you and they both come to mistakenly believe that your ideas are the best ones, and theirs aren’t. You start thinking that your only “value add” is your ASIA: Answers, Solutions, Ideas & Advice. You get fooled into thinking that having ideas is the most important part of the conversation. You’re moving fast, solving the wrong problem because you think the answer matters more than the question. Future You If you’re up for calming down your Advice Monster (and I think you are), a powerful step is to understand that you can play a different game. The “prizes and punishments” above is the pattern for Current You. But imagine a Future You where things have shifted so that: You add value by enabling and empowering others to find the best answers. You no longer feel the weight of having to have the answer, but trust others to contribute. You add value by asking the questions that uncover the real challenge, so we’re all now finding answers to the thing that matters. You don’t waste time coming up with ideas that are solving the wrong problems. You add value by sharing your ideas and advice and opinions, but selectively and strategically and deliberately, rather than automatically. You break the dynamic of the overdependent team who come to you for everything. You reduce the sense of overwhelm, by no longer feeling you’re responsible for every answer. You find the opportunity to reconnect to your Great Work: work that has more meaning, work that has more impact. Tactics to consider If that’s the Future You you’d like to be, here are five things you can experiment with as you seek to tame Tell-It. Notice who else around you has Tell-It as their primarily Advice Monster persona. Watch and notice the dynamic and impact of their conversations, so you can get a deeper sense of the impact of yours. (I bet somebody’s coming to mind right away.) Add “And what else?” to your repertoire. It’s the fastest way to make curiosity a key part of your conversations; and curiosity is THE great tamer of the Advice Monster. Set a goal not to offer ASIA (Answers, Solutions Ideas and Advice) until you’ve heard at least two other options from others. With practice, you can increase that number. (See #2: Ask “And what else?”!) When you have an ASIA that you’d like to offer up, write it down before you speak it. When you have ASIA in a virtual exchange, put it in drafts and wait for ten minutes. After the rush to give advice has passed, decide if it’s still the right thing to do. When someone asks for your advice directly, use this script. “That’s a great question. I’ve got some ideas, which I’ll share with you. But before I do, what’s your first idea?” And when the give you that idea, say “Terrific!” and then ask, “And what else?” Watch the video of me facilitating a process to help go deeper in understanding your specific Advice Monster and creating some specific new habits at MyAdviceMonster.com. Remember, advice itself isn’t bad. There’s plenty of times and places where your insights and options are exactly what’s needed. It’s the Advice-Giving Habit we’re trying to break, so you can stay curious a little bit longer, and rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly. Don’t forget, you’re a bit of a mongrel Even though the strongest Advice Monster persona for you seems to be Tell-It, it’s most likely you have all three personas playing out with different people at different times. You might recognize these two characters… Save-ItSave-It! cloaks itself in the garb of moral righteousness. It’s persuaded you that your job is to rescue every person and every situation. This is how you’re helpful. And indeed, if it wasn't for your vigilance and self-sacrifice, all will fail. (It feels so true … and yet, what a heavy and impossible burden.) Control-ItControl-It! is the slipperiest of the three personas. It stays in the shadows, and it’s hell-bent on persuading you that if you don’t stay on top of things – everything, and everybody – then chaos will come and you (and everyone) will fail. (Also, a heavy and impossible burden.) Finally, stay skeptical As a last comment, a reminder not to think that the results of this questionnaire are somehow “the truth”. They’re just another form of feedback, another data point that can help you know more about you. Take what’s useful, ignore the rest. Thanks for supporting The Advice Trap and The Coaching Habit. Michael Bungay Stanier PS – there are two things you could do to help me, if you were so moved… [Tweet your result here]. Your tweet will help others know about the questionnaire, which will help us build a more robust data set. Consider writing an Amazon review of The Advice Trap and/or The Coaching Habit. It makes it easier for others to know the books are useful when they see your comments. [My Advice Monster is Tell-It! Want to know what’s yours? Find out fast here [link] and learn how to #TameYourAdviceMonster #TheAdviceTrap #TheCoachingHabit]
• 4.
  You're Advice Monster is Save-It. (Here's what to do about that.)

  Save-ItFrom the answers you gave, it seems that the persona of the Advice Monster that you know best is Save-It. (And hot pink is your shade. Nice choice.)You’re in good company here! There are lots of other people who are VERY familiar with Save-It!Save-It cloaks itself in the garb of moral righteousness. It’s persuaded you that your job is to be ever watchful and vigilant. You are responsible to rescue everyone and everything, and this is how you’re helpful. And if you let anything slip, we’ll all fail.But before we dig into the details...Remember two things. First, this isn't The Truth. It's a short, fun questionnaire. It's like a funfair mirror: amusing and only partially true. Like all feedback, you get to choose what's useful and ignore the rest.Second, it's meant to be helpful, not punitive. You might be tempted to beat yourself up a little. Don't. Just recognize that you (like everyone) has an advice-giving habit, and then start doing the work to #TameYourAdviceMonster.Prizes & PunishmentsThere are plenty of immediate benefits you get when Save-It is in charge. We can call these the “prizes”: But there’s a price you and others pay when your Advice Monster has the reins. These are the “punishments”. Future YouIf you’re up for calming down your Advice Monster (and I think you are), a powerful step is to understand that you can play a different game. The “prizes and punishments” above is the patterns for Current You. But imagine a Future You where things have shifted so that: You break the experience of an overdependent team (formal or informal) who come to you for everything. You reduce your overwhelm, by no longer feeling you’re responsible for keeping every situation safe, on the rails, and to plan. You have the opportunity to reconnect to your Great Work: work that has more meaning, work that has more impact.Tactics to considerStart by watching the video of me facilitating a process to help go deeper in understanding your specific Advice Monster so you can create some new habits. It's at MyAdviceMonster.com.Meantime, here are five things you can experiment with as you seek to tame Save-It. Remember, advice itself isn’t bad. There’s plenty of times and places where your insights and options are exactly what’s needed. It’s the Advice-Giving Habit we’re trying to break, so you can stay curious a little bit longer, and rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly.Don’t forget, you’re not just Save-ItLet's face it, you're an interesting and complex human being. Even though the strongest Advice Monster persona for you seems to be Save-It, it’s most likely you have all three personas playing out with different people at different times. You might recognize these two characters…Tell-ItTell-It is the loudest and most obvious of the Advice Monster personas. It’s convinced you that your job, the most essential way you contribute to those around you, is to offer up ASIA: Answers, Solutions Ideas & Advice. You need to have an answer—no, THE answer—to everything. If you don’t, nothing will get solved and you’ve failed. It feels so true … and yet, what a heavy and impossible burden. Control-ItControl-It! is the slipperiest of the three personas. It stays in the shadows, and it’s hell-bent on persuading you that if you don’t stay on top of things – everything, and everybody – then chaos will come and you (and everyone) will fail. Also, a heavy and impossible burden.That's it!Thanks for supporting The Advice Trap and The Coaching Habit.Michael Bungay StanierPS – there are two things you could do to help me, if you were so moved…
• 5.
  You're Advice Monster is Save-It. (Here's what to do about that.)

  Save-It From the answers you gave, it seems that the persona of the Advice Monster that you know best is Save-It. (And cool blue is your shade. Nice choice.) You’re in good company here! There are lots of other people who are VERY familiar with Save-It! Save-It cloaks itself in the garb of moral righteousness. It’s persuaded you that your job is to be ever watchful and vigilant. You are responsible to rescue everyone and everything, and this is how you’re helpful. And if you let anything slip, we’ll all fail. Prizes & Punishments There are plenty of immediate benefits you get when Save-It is in charge. We can call these the “prizes”: You feel you know what’s best for the person and the situation. You exert a subtle control over things by having your fingers in every pie. You get that delicious martyr-y feeling: no-one appreciates how you’re holding it all together. You get to feel like you’re the most responsible person in the room. You get to have the “high status” in the room, because after all you think you’re the most responsible person in the room. You think you keep everything safe. But there’s a price you and others pay when your Advice Monster has the reins. These are the “punishments”. You’re carry a heavy burden, as you try and save everyone and everything. And you fail, because it’s an impossible task. When you “succeed”, you disempower others and keep them from learning and growing, from increased autonomy, confidence and competence. In the language of the Drama Triangle, you’re creating Victims. You doubt others’ commitment. You practice with Kim Scott in her terrific book Radical Candor calls “ruinous empathy”. Future You If you’re up for calming down your Advice Monster (and I think you are), a powerful step is to understand that you can play a different game. The “prizes and punishments” above is the patterns for Current You. But imagine a Future You where things have shifted so that: You allow others to make choices, rather than making the choices for them. You don’t feel the need to be responsible for other people’s lives, but rather can let them be responsible for their own lives. You add value by sharing your ideas and advice and opinions, but selectively and strategically and deliberately, rather than automatically. You no longer feel the weight of having to rescue and save every situation and every person, and in fact can see how that’s an impossible task. You allow people to make mistakes, learn from their mistakes, and become wiser, smarter, and “reality tested”. You break the experience of an overdependent team (formal or informal) who come to you for everything. You reduce your overwhelm, by no longer feeling you’re responsible for keeping every situation safe, on the rails, and to plan. You have the opportunity to reconnect to your Great Work: work that has more meaning, work that has more impact Tactics to consider If that’s the Future You you’d like to be, here are five things you can experiment with as you seek to tame Save-It. Notice who else around you has Save-It as their primarily Advice Monster persona. Watch and notice the dynamic and impact of their conversations, so you can get a deeper sense of the impact of yours. (I bet somebody’s coming to mind right away.) Reflect on key moments of learning from you, moments which were difficult but helped shift your sense of self and increased your understanding and wisdom. Imagine if those moments were denied you by someone who’s Save-It Advice Monster pushed them to “be helpful”. Ask “what do you want?” It’s a powerful way not only to help generate insight for the other person, but for you to realize that you don’t always (in fact, probably, rarely) already know what they want. In a related way, ask, “how can I help?” or “what do you want from me?” These questions slow down the rush you’re in to jump in and fix it and solve it and save it. You’ll find that what they want from you is (often, if not nearly always) different from what you thought they needed. Hold on to the insight that people learn from “above the waterline mistakes” but get fired for “people the waterline mistakes”. Commit to jumping in to help when you know it’s a “below the waterline mistake. (It’s almost never a below the waterline mistake.) (That you Michael Abrashoff’s It’s Your Ship, where I learned that metaphor.) Watch the video of me facilitating a process to help go deeper in understanding your specific Advice Monster and creating some specific new habits at MyAdviceMonster.com. Remember, advice itself isn’t bad. There’s plenty of times and places where your insights and options are exactly what’s needed. It’s the Advice-Giving Habit we’re trying to break, so you can stay curious a little bit longer, and rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly. Don’t forget, you’re a bit of a mongrel Even though the strongest Advice Monster persona for you seems to be Save-It, it’s most likely you have all three personas playing out with different people at different times. You might recognize these two characters… Tell-ItTell-It is the loudest and most obvious of the Advice Monster personas. It’s convinced you that your job, the most essential way you contribute to those around you, is to offer up ASIA: Answers, Solutions Ideas & Advice. You need to have an answer—no, THE answer—to everything. If you don’t, nothing will get solved and you’ve failed. It feels so true … and yet, what a heavy and impossible burden. Control-ItControl-It! is the slipperiest of the three personas. It stays in the shadows, and it’s hell-bent on persuading you that if you don’t stay on top of things – everything, and everybody – then chaos will come and you (and everyone) will fail. Also, a heavy and impossible burden. Finally, stay skeptical As a last comment, a reminder not to think that the results of this questionnaire are somehow “the truth”. They’re just another form of feedback, another data point that can help you know more about you. Take what’s useful, ignore the rest. Thanks for supporting The Advice Trap and The Coaching Habit. Michael Bungay Stanier PS – there are two things you could do to help me, if you were so moved… [Tweet your result here]. Your tweet will help others know about the questionnaire, which will help us build a more robust data set. Consider writing an Amazon review of The Advice Trap and/or The Coaching Habit. It makes it easier for others to know the books are useful when they see your comments [My Advice Monster is Tell-It! Want to know what’s yours? Find out fast here [link] and learn how to #TameYourAdviceMonster #TheAdviceTrap #TheCoachingHabit]
• 6.
  You're Advice Monster is Save-It. (Here's what to do about that.)

  Save-It From the answers you gave, it seems that the persona of the Advice Monster that you know best is Save-It. (And sunny yellow is your shade. Nice choice.) You’re in good company here! There are lots of other people who are VERY familiar with Save-It! Save-It cloaks itself in the garb of moral righteousness. It’s persuaded you that your job is to be ever watchful and vigilant. You are responsible to rescue everyone and everything, and this is how you’re helpful. And if you let anything slip, we’ll all fail. Prizes & Punishments There are plenty of immediate benefits you get when Save-It is in charge. We can call these the “prizes”: You feel you know what’s best for the person and the situation. You exert a subtle control over things by having your fingers in every pie. You get that delicious martyr-y feeling: no-one appreciates how you’re holding it all together. You get to feel like you’re the most responsible person in the room. You get to have the “high status” in the room, because after all you think you’re the most responsible person in the room. You think you keep everything safe. But there’s a price you and others pay when your Advice Monster has the reins. These are the “punishments”. You’re carry a heavy burden, as you try and save everyone and everything. And you fail, because it’s an impossible task. When you “succeed”, you disempower others and keep them from learning and growing, from increased autonomy, confidence and competence. In the language of the Drama Triangle, you’re creating Victims. You doubt others’ commitment. You practice with Kim Scott in her terrific book Radical Candor calls “ruinous empathy”. Future You If you’re up for calming down your Advice Monster (and I think you are), a powerful step is to understand that you can play a different game. The “prizes and punishments” above is the patterns for Current You. But imagine a Future You where things have shifted so that: You allow others to make choices, rather than making the choices for them. You don’t feel the need to be responsible for other people’s lives, but rather can let them be responsible for their own lives. You add value by sharing your ideas and advice and opinions, but selectively and strategically and deliberately, rather than automatically. You no longer feel the weight of having to rescue and save every situation and every person, and in fact can see how that’s an impossible task. You allow people to make mistakes, learn from their mistakes, and become wiser, smarter, and “reality tested”. You break the experience of an overdependent team (formal or informal) who come to you for everything. You reduce your overwhelm, by no longer feeling you’re responsible for keeping every situation safe, on the rails, and to plan. You have the opportunity to reconnect to your Great Work: work that has more meaning, work that has more impact Tactics to consider If that’s the Future You you’d like to be, here are five things you can experiment with as you seek to tame Save-It. Notice who else around you has Save-It as their primarily Advice Monster persona. Watch and notice the dynamic and impact of their conversations, so you can get a deeper sense of the impact of yours. (I bet somebody’s coming to mind right away.) Reflect on key moments of learning from you, moments which were difficult but helped shift your sense of self and increased your understanding and wisdom. Imagine if those moments were denied you by someone who’s Save-It Advice Monster pushed them to “be helpful”. Ask “what do you want?” It’s a powerful way not only to help generate insight for the other person, but for you to realize that you don’t always (in fact, probably, rarely) already know what they want. In a related way, ask, “how can I help?” or “what do you want from me?” These questions slow down the rush you’re in to jump in and fix it and solve it and save it. You’ll find that what they want from you is (often, if not nearly always) different from what you thought they needed. Hold on to the insight that people learn from “above the waterline mistakes” but get fired for “people the waterline mistakes”. Commit to jumping in to help when you know it’s a “below the waterline mistake. (It’s almost never a below the waterline mistake.) (That you Michael Abrashoff’s It’s Your Ship, where I learned that metaphor.) Watch the video of me facilitating a process to help go deeper in understanding your specific Advice Monster and creating some specific new habits at MyAdviceMonster.com. Remember, advice itself isn’t bad. There’s plenty of times and places where your insights and options are exactly what’s needed. It’s the Advice-Giving Habit we’re trying to break, so you can stay curious a little bit longer, and rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly. Don’t forget, you’re a bit of a mongrel Even though the strongest Advice Monster persona for you seems to be Save-It, it’s most likely you have all three personas playing out with different people at different times. You might recognize these two characters… Tell-ItTell-It is the loudest and most obvious of the Advice Monster personas. It’s convinced you that your job, the most essential way you contribute to those around you, is to offer up ASIA: Answers, Solutions Ideas & Advice. You need to have an answer—no, THE answer—to everything. If you don’t, nothing will get solved and you’ve failed. It feels so true … and yet, what a heavy and impossible burden. Control-ItControl-It! is the slipperiest of the three personas. It stays in the shadows, and it’s hell-bent on persuading you that if you don’t stay on top of things – everything, and everybody – then chaos will come and you (and everyone) will fail. Also, a heavy and impossible burden. Finally, stay skeptical As a last comment, a reminder not to think that the results of this questionnaire are somehow “the truth”. They’re just another form of feedback, another data point that can help you know more about you. Take what’s useful, ignore the rest. Thanks for supporting The Advice Trap and The Coaching Habit. Michael Bungay Stanier PS – there are two things you could do to help me, if you were so moved… [Tweet your result here]. Your tweet will help others know about the questionnaire, which will help us build a more robust data set. Consider writing an Amazon review of The Advice Trap and/or The Coaching Habit. It makes it easier for others to know the books are useful when they see your comments [My Advice Monster is Tell-It! Want to know what’s yours? Find out fast here [link] and learn how to #TameYourAdviceMonster #TheAdviceTrap #TheCoachingHabit]
• 7.
  You're Advice Monster is Control-It. (Here's what to do about that.)

  Control-ItFrom the answers you gave, it seems that the persona of the Advice Monster that you know best is Control-It. (And hot pink is your shade. Nice choice.)You’re in good company here! There are lots of other people who are VERY familiar with Control-It.Control-It is the slipperiest of the three personas. It stays in the shadows, and with a tone of gentle authority it’s hell-bent on persuading you that you must stay in control at all times. It convinces you that everything is controllable, just so long as you’re in charge. And of course, if you don’t stay on top of things–everything!–then chaos will come, and we’ll all fail.But before we dig into the detailsRemember two things. First, this isn't The Truth. It's a short, fun questionnaire. It's a funfair mirror: amusing and only partially true. Like all feedback, you get to choose what's useful and ignore the rest.Second, it's meant to helpful, not punitive. You might be tempted to beat yourself up a little. Don't. Just recognize that you (like everyone) has an advice-giving habit, and then start doing the work to #TameYourAdviceMonster.Prizes & PunishmentsThere are plenty of immediate benefits you get when Control-It is in charge. We can call these the “prizes”: But there’s a price you and others pay when your Advice Monster has the reins. These are the “punishments”: Future YouIf you’re up for calming down your Advice Monster (and I think you are), a powerful step is to understand that you can play a different game. The “prizes and punishments” above is the pattern for Current You. But imagine a Future You where things have shifted so that: You break the dynamic of the overdependent team who come to you for everything. You reduce the sense of overwhelm, by no longer feeling you’re responsible for every answer. You find the opportunity to reconnect to your Great Work: work that has more meaning, work that has more impact.Tactics to considerStart by watching the video of me facilitating a process to help go deeper in understanding your specific Advice Monster so you can create some specific new habits. It's at MyAdviceMonster.com.Meantime, here are five things you can test out, as you seek to tame Control-It. Remember, advice itself isn’t bad. There’s plenty of times and places where your insights and options are exactly what’s needed. It’s the Advice-Giving Habit we’re trying to break, so you can stay curious a little bit longer, and rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly.Don't forget, you're not just Save-ItLet's face it, you're an interesting and complex human being. Even though the strongest Advice Monster persona for you seems to be Control-It, it’s most likely you have all three personas playing out with different people at different times. You might recognize these two characters...Tell-ItTell-It is the loudest and most obvious of the Advice Monster personas. It’s convinced you that your job, the most essential way you contribute to those around you, is to offer up ASIA: Answers, Solutions Ideas & Advice. You need to have an answer—no, THE answer—to everything. If you don’t, nothing will get solved and you’ve failed. (It feels so true … and yet, what a heavy and impossible burden.)Save-ItSave-It cloaks itself in the garb of moral righteousness. It’s persuaded you that your job is to rescue every person and every situation. This is how you’re helpful. And indeed, if it wasn't for your vigilance and self-sacrifice, all will fail. (Also, a heavy and impossible burden.)That's it!Thanks for supporting The Advice Trap and The Coaching Habit.Michael Bungay StanierPS – there are two things you could do to help me, if you were so moved…
• 8.
  You're Advice Monster is Control-It. (Here's what to do about that.)

  Control-It From the answers you gave, it seems that the persona of the Advice Monster that you know best is Control-It. (And cool blue is your shade. Nice choice.) You’re in good company here! There are lots of other people who are VERY familiar with Control-It. Control-It is the slipperiest of the three personas. It stays in the shadows, and with a tone of gentle authority it’s hell-bent on persuading you that you must stay in control at all times. It convinces you that everything is controllable, just so long as you’re in charge. And of course, if you don’t stay on top of things–everything, and everybody–then chaos will come, and we’ll all fail. Prizes & Punishments There are plenty of immediate benefits you get when Control-It is in charge. We can call these the “prizes”: You feel like you’re the “puppet master” controlling how things play out, a bulwark against the chaos of the universe. You get to set the rules of the game. You get to have the last say and the final decision and the controlling word. You get to feel like you’re the most influential person in the room. You get to have the “high status” in the room, because after all you think you’re the most influential person in the room. But there’s a price you and others pay when your Advice Monster has the reins. These are the “punishments”: You’re carry a heavy burden, as you try and control everyone and everything. And you fail, because it’s an impossible task. When you “succeed”, you disempower others and keep them from learning and growing, from increased autonomy, confidence and competence. You’re exhausted, because you’re holding on to everything so tightly. You protect everyone from the uncertainty of the future, but also the possibilities of the unknown, and of serendipity. You doubt others’ competence, so you’re never able to step away. Future You If you’re up for calming down your Advice Monster (and I think you are), a powerful step is to understand that you can play a different game. The “prizes and punishments” above is the pattern for Current You. But imagine a Future You where things have shifted so that: You no longer feel the weight of having to control every situation and every person; and in fact can see how that’s an impossible task. You add value by sharing your ideas and advice and opinions, but selectively and strategically and deliberately, rather than automatically. You allow people to take control, find their own challenges, walk their own path. You allow in the possibility and the potential of the future. You break the dynamic of the overdependent team who come to you for everything. You reduce the sense of overwhelm, by no longer feeling you’re responsible for every answer. You find the opportunity to reconnect to your Great Work: work that has more meaning, work that has more impact. Tactics to consider If that’s the Future You you’d like to be, here are five things you can experiment with as you seek to tame Control-It. Notice who else around you has Control-It as their primarily Advice Monster persona. Watch and notice the dynamic and impact of their conversations, so you can get a deeper sense of the impact of yours. (I bet somebody’s coming to mind right away.) Reflect on key moments of learning from you, moments where serendipity and a little bit of chaos helped shift your sense of self and increased your understanding and wisdom. Imagine if those moments were denied you by someone who’s Control-It Advice Monster pushed them to “be helpful”. Try sitting with uncertainty and ambiguity, rather than acting. When you feel it, see if you can take one, or two, or even three deep breathes before you act on it. Get better at noticing where and how this experience manifests itself in your body. What does it feel like? A mentor of mine once said the longer you can hold your breath as you swim through the waters of uncertainty, the more interesting a place it is where you’ll finally pop up to take a breath. Ask, “what was most useful or most valuable?” at the end of a meeting or conversation. Allows yourself to see what matters to others and where they’re learning. It will probably not be what you’re expecting, which might make you question how useful your “control” actually is. Practice saying, “I don’t know.” Even when you think you do. Watch the video of me facilitating a process to help go deeper in understanding your specific Advice Monster and creating some specific new habits at MyAdviceMonster.com. Remember, advice itself isn’t bad. There’s plenty of times and places where your insights and options are exactly what’s needed. It’s the Advice-Giving Habit we’re trying to break, so you can stay curious a little bit longer, and rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly. Don’t forget, you’re a bit of a mongrel Even though the strongest Advice Monster persona for you seems to be Control-It, it’s most likely you have all three personas playing out with different people at different times. You might recognize these two characters… Tell-ItTell-It is the loudest and most obvious of the Advice Monster personas. It’s convinced you that your job, the most essential way you contribute to those around you, is to offer up ASIA: Answers, Solutions Ideas & Advice. You need to have an answer—no, THE answer—to everything. If you don’t, nothing will get solved and you’ve failed. (It feels so true … and yet, what a heavy and impossible burden.) Save-ItSave-It cloaks itself in the garb of moral righteousness. It’s persuaded you that your job is to rescue every person and every situation. This is how you’re helpful. And indeed, if it wasn't for your vigilance and self-sacrifice, all will fail. (Also, a heavy and impossible burden.) Finally, stay skeptical As a last comment, a reminder not to think that the results of this questionnaire are somehow “the truth”. They’re just another form of feedback, another data point that can help you know more about you. Take what’s useful, ignore the rest. Thanks for supporting The Advice Trap and The Coaching Habit. Michael Bungay Stanier PS – there are two things you could do to help me, if you were so moved… [Tweet your result here]. Your tweet will help others know about the questionnaire, which will help us build a more robust data set. Consider writing an Amazon review of The Advice Trap and/or The Coaching Habit. It makes it easier for others to know the books are useful when they see your comments. [My Advice Monster is Tell-It! Want to know what’s yours? Find out fast here [link] and learn how to #TameYourAdviceMonster #TheAdviceTrap #TheCoachingHabit]
• 9.
  You're Advice Monster is Control-It. (Here's what to do about that.)

  Control-ItFrom the answers you gave, it seems that the persona of the Advice Monster that you know best is Control-It. (And sunny yellow is your shade. Nice choice.)You’re in good company here! There are lots of other people who are VERY familiar with Control-It.Control-It is the slipperiest of the three personas. It stays in the shadows, and with a tone of gentle authority it’s hell-bent on persuading you that you must stay in control at all times. It convinces you that everything is controllable, just so long as you’re in charge. And of course, if you don’t stay on top of things–everything, and everybody–then chaos will come, and we’ll all fail.Prizes & PunishmentsThere are plenty of immediate benefits you get when Control-It is in charge. We can call these the “prizes”: But there’s a price you and others pay when your Advice Monster has the reins. These are the “punishments”: Future YouIf you’re up for calming down your Advice Monster (and I think you are), a powerful step is to understand that you can play a different game. The “prizes and punishments” above is the pattern for Current You. But imagine a Future You where things have shifted so that: You break the dynamic of the overdependent team who come to you for everything. You reduce the sense of overwhelm, by no longer feeling you’re responsible for every answer. You find the opportunity to reconnect to your Great Work: work that has more meaning, work that has more impact.Tactics to considerIf that’s the Future You you’d like to be, here are five things you can experiment with as you seek to tame Control-It. Watch the video of me facilitating a process to help go deeper in understanding your specific Advice Monster and creating some specific new habits at MyAdviceMonster.com.Remember, advice itself isn’t bad. There’s plenty of times and places where your insights and options are exactly what’s needed. It’s the Advice-Giving Habit we’re trying to break, so you can stay curious a little bit longer, and rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly.Don’t forget, you’re a bit of a mongrelEven though the strongest Advice Monster persona for you seems to be Control-It, it’s most likely you have all three personas playing out with different people at different times. You might recognize these two characters…Tell-ItTell-It is the loudest and most obvious of the Advice Monster personas. It’s convinced you that your job, the most essential way you contribute to those around you, is to offer up ASIA: Answers, Solutions Ideas & Advice. You need to have an answer—no, THE answer—to everything. If you don’t, nothing will get solved and you’ve failed. (It feels so true … and yet, what a heavy and impossible burden.)Save-ItSave-It cloaks itself in the garb of moral righteousness. It’s persuaded you that your job is to rescue every person and every situation. This is how you’re helpful. And indeed, if it wasn't for your vigilance and self-sacrifice, all will fail. (Also, a heavy and impossible burden.)Finally, stay skepticalAs a last comment, a reminder not to think that the results of this questionnaire are somehow “the truth”. They’re just another form of feedback, another data point that can help you know more about you. Take what’s useful, ignore the rest.Thanks for supporting The Advice Trap and The Coaching Habit.Michael Bungay StanierPS – there are two things you could do to help me, if you were so moved… [My Advice Monster is Tell-It! Want to know what’s yours? Find out fast here [link] and learn how to #TameYourAdviceMonster #TheAdviceTrap #TheCoachingHabit]