What's Your Arguing Style?

Quiz Questions

• 1.
  Your partner goes shopping but forgets to bring home the one item you wanted.  What do you do?

  • A.
    Image Source

    Say "no problem" and really mean it
  • B.
    Image Source

    Say "no problem" but inside feel resentful
  • C.
    Image Source

    Say "no problem" but inside feel hurt
• 2.
  Out with friends, you tell a cute joke about your partner. Your partner gets quiet and then gets mad at you on the drive home.  What do you do?

  Image Source

  • A.
    You defend yourself because it was just a simple joke, and you feel your partner is being too sensitive
  • B.
    You get anxious, feel like you did something wrong, and immediately start apologizing
  • C.
    You put yourself in your partner's shoes, and validate his anger, understanding that they are probably hurt
• 3.
  You and your partner disagree about what movie to watch. How do you handle it?

  Image Source

  • A.
    Go along with your partner's suggestion but inside feel your partner is taking advantage of your kind nature
  • B.
    Let your partner "win" but inside feel resentful, or you "win" and feel okay with that
  • C.
    Willingly watch your partner's choice knowing next time they will do same for you
• 4.
  Your good friends keep showing up late to your get togethers. What do you do?

  • A.
    Image Source

    Start telling them earlier start times
  • B.
    Image Source

    Ignore it but start to feel differently towards them
  • C.
    Image Source

    Go direct, and bring it up with them
• 5.
  In the middle of an argument, you realize you made a mistake and that you are in the wrong. What do you do?

  • A.
    Image Source

    Own up right away and apologize, despite feeling embarrassed
  • B.
    Image Source

    Try to end argument, maybe using humor, but not admitting mistake
  • C.
    Image Source

    Immediately feel shame and guilt, and blame yourself harshly
• 6.
  Your partner feels slighted by a mutual friend, and tells you how hurt they are about it. The friend then calls and wants to talk to you about it.  What do you do?

  Image Source

  • A.
    You listen but feel uncomfortable. You don't want to get in the middle of their argument, but don't say anything because you want your friend to still like you
  • B.
    You tell your friend that they need to talk directly with your partner, not you, as you weren't there, and don't want to get pulled into the middle of it
  • C.
    You feel bad for your partner so you tell your friend how hurt your partner feels, and give suggestions for what you think your friend should do
• 7.
  After a heated argument with your good friend, you wake up the next day feeling embarrassed by your words and actions.  What do you do?

  • A.
    Image Source

    Try to mentally "balance the scales" by focusing on what your friend said and did in the argument as well, so it feels more like "we both did wrong"
  • B.
    Image Source

    Start mentally criticizing yourself for everything you said and did, and telling yourself you don't deserve having good friends
  • C.
    Image Source

    You write a text, email, or call and express your regret for your actions, without justifying or giving excuses.
• 8.
  When in an argument, do you find yourself...

  • A.
    Image Source

    Trying to justify, blame, or excuse your actions, saying things like "I wouldn't have if", or "it's because you hurt my feelings", or "you made me so mad"?
  • B.
    Image Source

    Bowing up to persuade, dominate, or overrun the other person's point of view?
  • C.
    Image Source

    Asking questions and trying to understand where the other person is coming from before trying to be understood yourself?
• 9.
  When you sense there is an issue between you and your partner, are you more likely to...

  • A.
    Image Source

    Push things under the rug unless you are forced to address them?
  • B.
    Image Source

    Take the direct approach and approach your partner with what you are feeling or observing?
  • C.
    Image Source

    Try and fix it by being super nice, more thoughtful, or helpful around the house?

Quiz Outcomes

• 1.
  The Vulnerable Arguing Style 

  Image Source

  The Vulnerable StyleThis style activates when your brain is using emotional reactions from your early years, when you felt your feelings in a full body way. You didn't always understand them, were easily hurt, and had few defenses against it. The UpsideA key feature of being vulnerable means being exposed emotionally - you reveal how you feel. Luckily, not all feelings are painful or scary! Excitement, wonder, and awe - these emotions find their home in those that let themselves be vulnerable. And when issues and challenges show up, being in touch with your vulnerability means your feelings are not hidden, so there is a raw emotionality in how you approach conflict. The other person does not have to guess or pull your feelings out of you - they are at, or right below the surface. And when in conflict, your heightened awareness of what others like, need, and want allows you to be accommodating to prevent the argument from escalating.The DownsideIdeally, you can feel vulnerable and empowered, but not when arguing from your vulnerable side. Without your adult mindset "supervising", your vulnerability hijacks your brain back to a time when you needed others to feel emotionally safe and secure. This is an automatic shift, and you likely aren't aware that it is happening. A key sign of this arguing style is the automatic need to blame the other person for "making" you feel bad in some way. And, demanding that they do something so you will feel better (e.g., "You make me feel terrible about myself", and "If you loved me then you wouldn't___"). In addition, your fears of not being loved, or the relationship ending can lead to over-accommodating to keep the other person happy with you, but at a great cost to yourself. You lose your personal power, and over time become a shell of yourself as you shape-shift into what you think the other person wants you to be. If that doesn't work, you resort to blaming yourself - which works to keep the illusion that all you have to do is fix yourself and things will work out fine.
• 2.
  The Defended Arguing Style 

  Image Source

  This style activates when your brain is using emotional reactions from your teenage years, when you were developing your coping and defensive strategies for dealing with the vulnerability of childhood. The UpsideYour emotional defenses are not inherently bad. They are natural human responses that serve a powerful purpose - keeping you from becoming emotionally overwhelmed and unstable in your sense of self. In this respect, they can be life-saving. You see, your defenses are, and always will be, about you. They have your back. If you are feeling threatened, they will rise up to protect. For example, you aren't ready to face the fact that your marriage is ending? Your defenses might have you denying realilty for a bit. You feel intense shame or guilt over something you've done? Your defenses might let you "forget" for awhile. Feel insecure, or less than? Your defenses might have you "need" to overachieve to prevent you from these painful self judgments. This is the upside- your defenses protect your emotional stability. The DownsideIn arguments, your inner secrity system can, unfortunately, cause all sorts of havoc, in large part because of its laser-like focus on protecting you. Being in defense mode has you are on guard against anything that feels like a put down, or makes you feel bad about yourself. This is why it is so hard to calmly see anything from another person's perspective. Disagreements and conflict are felt as threats, which of course raises your natural need to protect, which can come in many forms (e.g., anger, withdrawal, denial, projection etc.). And, being defensive is associated with being self-centered and controlling because you are protecting something vulnerable inside of you. So in an argument, doing the “give and take” of validation and understanding can feel like a loss of power, identity, freedom and/or control. Being "defensive", therefore, greatly limits your ability to repair or resolve conflict because acknowledging yor own side of the problem feels threating to your inner defense system.
• 3.
  The Wise Adult Arguing Style

  Image Source

  This style activates when your natural vulnerability and the automatic defenses against it are managed using the remarkable skills of your adult mindset. The UpsideThis arguing style is almost all an upside! Acting from your wise adult self does not mean you never feel hurt, or want to defend yourself. What this arguing style brings to the table that is so darn valuable is CHOICE. That is, when using the talents of your adult brain, you're able to be responsive, not reactive. You can take that important pause before responding and consider not just what you want to say, but how. This is communication power. In addition, your wise adult self lets you hold your perspective and see someone else's at the same time. You don't feel the need to dominate, win, or control the argument. Your own sense of self worth is stable- you don't feel threatened when someone disagrees, sees things differently, or even dislikes you. This allows you to be empathic, validate, be curious, ask questions, all of which are ways to emotionally connect to others, which lowers arousal levels and the intensity of the argument. This arguing style is what allow you to not just know the "right" things to say and do, but actually put them in play when you need them. THIS is a step beyond emotional intelligence - it moves you up into emotional maturity. Rareified air for sure. The DownsideThere is really no downside to being emotionally mature. The biggest issue is to find others with whom you can relate. You are not judgmental (because if you were you wouldn't be using your adult mindset), but you are aware of how others are hijacked by their vulnerable and defensive mindsets. So, in arguments, you need to be careful to understand and validate, and not hurt others just because you can "read" them pretty well.