Each of us want the other to be sexually satisfied but we aren't taking the time to make this a priority.
B.
We love each other and care very much about each other being sexually satisfied.
C.
I don't trust that my partner thinks my sexual desires are important. They seem more concerned about their own.
D.
Sometimes I worry if I express my sexual desires openly I'll be judged or made to feel like I'm strange.
2.
Trust
A.
One or both of us don't trust the other with our physical or emotional selves. It's hard to open up.
B.
We feel completely safe with each other physically and emotionally.
C.
One or both of us struggle with trusting the other with our physical or emotional selves. It's a work in progress.
D.
We trust each other physically and emotionally, but I'm not sure it's as good as it could be. One or both of us sometimes holds back.
3.
Personal Insight
A.
I have taken the time to think about the messages I got about sex, my body and intimate relationships dating back to my early childhood and how they impact me today in my relationship.
B.
I'd really rather not think back to my childhood experiences and messages about sex, my body and intimacy but maybe I should consider it.
C.
I haven't thought much about early messages about sex, my body and intimate relationships, but I can see there might be some benefit to this.
D.
I don't really see a connection between my early experiences with sex, my body and intimacy and my current relationship.
4.
Energy
A.
I enjoy sex and know it is important but sometimes life gets busy. I try to save energy for it and I can also rally, even if I'm tired.
B.
I enjoy sex very much. I don't consider it a chore. Whether it's a "quickie" or more of a special event, I'm almost always happy to engage.
C.
It's pretty much last on my priority list.
D.
The way I think of it is, I'm busy. It's not the top priority. If it works out, it works out.
5.
Initiation
A.
One of us always initiates sex.
B.
One of us initiates sex more than the other, and we're ok with that.
C.
We both initiate sex.
D.
One of us almost always initiates sex.
6.
Scheduling
A.
We try to make sure we don't lose track and go too long between having sex.
B.
We have somewhat of a routine that flows smoothly for both of us.
C.
Sex must be scheduled so that at least we can say we are doing it and we can "check the box."
D.
One or both of us need it to be scheduled, either because of how busy and tired we are, or because the arousal process goes more smoothly if we set our mind on it.
7.
Receptivity
A.
One or both of us don't really pay attention to the needs and desires of the other. We might have to say it over and over and it may or may not change.
B.
It takes awhile but eventually, we are receptive to each other's needs and desires.
C.
We listen to each other and are receptive to each other's needs and desires.
D.
One or both of us has no regard for the other's needs and it shows because nothing ever changes.
8.
Setting
A.
Everything has to be right; privacy, timing, romancing, clean house, clean sheets...everything!
B.
I like atmosphere, such as; special lighting, special music, clean room, fresh towels, candles, scents or flowers, temperature of the room, lingerie, etc.
C.
The setting doesn't matter. We just need a bed.
D.
I like a little atmosphere, but I'm not too particular.
9.
Mind-Altering Substances
A.
One or both of us seems to need to be intoxicated on alcohol or drugs in order to have sex.
B.
Neither of us use alcohol or drugs, either at all, or at least not to the point of intoxication surrounding sex.
C.
One or both of us need something to loosen up in order to have sex.
D.
A mild intoxicating effect, such as one might feel from one glass of wine, helps one or both of us relax and enjoy the experience more.
10.
Frequency
A.
We have sex about once per week, sometimes more, rarely less.
B.
We have sex about twice per month, sometimes more, rarely less.
C.
We have had sex less than 10 times in the last 12 months.
D.
We have been sexless for more than 4 months.
11.
Past Harm
A.
I have been harmed or sexually misused in the past but I have received healing through self-help, professional help and/or healthy relationships and it does not interfere with my sexual satisfaction and relationship.
B.
I have not been harmed or sexually misused in the past, as a child, youth or young adult.
C.
I have been harmed or sexually misused in the past and it interferes with my current sexual satisfaction and relationship.
D.
I have been harmed or sexually misused in the past and now I avoid sex as much as possible or altogether.
12.
Past Choices
A.
I have made some regretful choices in the past regarding sex, but I have worked on these issues, forgiven myself and made amends where appropriate.
B.
I feel good about the choices I have made about sex in the past.
C.
The past is the past. End of discussion.
D.
I have made some regretful choices in the past regarding sex. I have tried to let it go but I still feel bad about it.
13.
Communication
A.
We talk about our sexual relations from time to time. It's important to check in with each other to make sure we are both satisfied.
B.
We talk about our sexual relations often. It's informative and fun to talk about it and it helps us be open to new things.
C.
We pretty much never talk about our sexual relations. It's uncomfortable to talk about it.
D.
Occasionally, if there is some reason to talk about our sexual relations we will, but I think we assume we know what the other is thinking.
14.
Feedback
A.
During sex, I am somewhat expressive in one or two ways. My partner is not always sure if I am enjoying the experience because I give too little feedback.
B.
During sex, I show some expression but only if there is a reason to, like if I'm uncomfortable and need to shift my position.
C.
During sex, I am expressive with words, sounds, breath and/or body movement, letting my partner know what's working well in the moment.
D.
I am not at all expressive during sex. I don't make any sounds or move my body much. I don't really give my partner any feedback.
15.
Self-Care and Respect
A.
One or both of us seem to pay no attention to their body and self-care and it's problematic.
B.
One or both of us has let our body go a bit but we pay attention to being clean and well-groomed and we support one another in efforts to do better with our self-care.
C.
I don't expect a perfect body but I do expect that we will both keep our body healthy, clean and well groomed.
D.
One or both of us have let ourselves go and we both avoid the issue.
16.
Variety
A.
Come to think of it, I think I would like to have more variety than we have and I'm going to bring this up.
B.
Variety is great! I'm open to trying a lot of different things, as long as it is safe, respectful, mutual and loving.
C.
We do the same thing pretty much every time.
D.
We have variety, a few different things we do.
17.
Toys
A.
Both of us are fine with or without toys. If they enhance the experience, that's great, if they don't, that's fine too. As long as it is safe, respectful, loving and pleasurable to both of us, we're happy.
B.
Toys are unnatural. If someone wants or needs toys they aren't very good at sex.
C.
Toys are fine but some are way over the top.
D.
One or both of us is so focussed on toys and constantly trying new ones that it seems like it gets in the way of being just us.
18.
Pleasure
A.
I get some pleasure from sexual relations in my current relationship.
B.
I get a lot of pleasure from sexual relations in my current relationship.
C.
I am not interested in sex and do not engage in sex in my current relationship.
D.
Sexual relations do not give me pleasure in my current relationship.
19.
Thrill/Fantasy/Imagination
A.
We like to do things that are risqué, so long as it is safe, respectful, mutual and loving.
B.
One or both of us like to play it safe. We aren't much for risqué.
C.
One or both of us is too nervous to do anything risqué but like to talk about it and fantasize about it.
D.
We have very different desires in terms of how risqué we like to be. It can be frustrating for both of us.
20.
Faithfulness
A.
One or both of us walks a fine line when it comes to relationships with others. It is uncomfortable and causes problems between us.
B.
One or both of us have cheated on the other. We've moved on but I don't think we have really done the work for it to be considered healed.
C.
There have been no breaches in trust in our relationship. We are both 100% faithful.
D.
One or both of us have cheated on the other. We have BOTH done A LOT of work on this. We understand why and how the unfaithfulness occurred, how to prevent a recurrence and agree that our relationship is healed.
21.
Erotica (written/print or video)
A.
If we partake in erotica we do so together and agree on what is healthy. (Includes - "We do not engage in erotica.")
B.
One or both of us are addicted to erotica.
C.
One or both of us engage in erotica that the other finds offensive.
D.
One or both of us engage in erotica without the other and we are ok with that.
I'm glad you are here because that speaks to your desire to have a stronger, more satifying intimate relationship. You are experiencing barriers to a healthy dynamic of closeness between the two of you. It is likely that you are struggling in a few areas of your relationship, not just sexual intimacy. Two people joining as one has it's challenges, not just for you, but for every couple. With effort and attention, you can make this better.
You have a very nice relationship, but something is interfering with you being able to trust each other more deeply and experience even greater sexual satisfaction. By working on your connection ouside of the bedroom, you will improve your connection in the bedroom. As you build trust and confidence with each other, you will achieve the next level of marital delight.
You two have a great relationship with love, trust and fulfilment. You have emotional and physical intimacy that is satisfying to both of you. One or both of you may, at times, sense a holding back from freely expressing yourselves from some seeds of insecurity from somewhere that you are either aware of or not. Because you are so close, you have an incredible opportunity to take your passion to the next level.
Your answers refect a strong intimate connection, both emotionally and sexually. You are in touch with each other's needs and desires and your own. Your level of trust allows for you to freely sharing yourselves with each other and find it very enjoyable. Trying new things is both fun and exciting.
