How Toxic Is My Relationship?

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Quiz Questions

1.
My partner and I would both agree that we spend a balanced amount of time together & away from each other with friends
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- A.
  We probably spend too much time together actually, I haven't seen some of my friends in a long time.
- B.
  My partner does their own thing a lot, and I often wish they'd spend more time with me.
- C.
  Hmmm - this is the sort of thing my partner wouldn't talk to me about, if they did have a problem, I wouldn't know.
- D.
  Yeah, it's pretty balanced
2.
You arrive at the theater and realize the tickets are still at home
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- A.
  This is the sort of thing that would make my partner have a blow-up over - they are generally a bit explosive.
- B.
  I might not hear about it at the moment, but later on, my partner will roll their eyes, or make little digs about it being my fault.
- C.
  Regardless of whose fault it was, my partner certainly wouldn't take responsibility or reassure me everything was ok.
- D.
  We'd figure out something else to do and probably laugh about it later on.
3.
Your phone rings at 10 pm on a Friday night and it's your ex..
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- A.
  My worst nightmare! I would be accused of something no matter how innocent the call was. If I answered, they would over-analyze every interaction.
- B.
  They wouldn't talk about it if they were upset, but I'd know because they would be acting differently or more distant.
- C.
  This is the sort of thing that turns into a fight and ends with them threatening to leave or end it.
- D.
  They would ask if everything ok and maybe talk about how to set boundaries with them
4.
If I were to get into some conflict with a friend or family member...
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- A.
  ... I wouldn't count on my partner having my back and sticking up for me.
- B.
  ..... my partner would try and help keep the peace, they hate conflict.
- C.
  ... We would figure it out eventually and come to some sort of resolution, my partner would help me calm down or come up with solutions.
5.
When it comes to making plans and getting things done....
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- A.
  ...my partner does what they want, and I don't feel included in every decision which I don't love.
- B.
  ... I tend to do more than my partner, often because they need my help or can't do it alone.
- C.
  ... We are a pretty good team and have a decent balance in our relationship.
6.
When I am vulnerable with my partner and share my inner feelings or fear, my partner's response ....
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- A.
  ... would be supportive, reflective and generally be a lovely moment of intimacy and connection.
- B.
  ... might be supportive, or awkward, but would not include sharing their inner feelings or fears back!
- C.
  ,,, HOLD ON!! I would never be vulnerable because there's a chance it would be used against me as a weakness later on.
7.
If my partner and I had different opinions on 'hot-button' topics like gun control or same-sex marriage...
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- A.
  ... differences between us are totally fine - we might have the occasional debate about them, but not much more.
- B.
  ... my partner and I would never discuss the matter again! Disagreements get swept under the rug.
- C.
  ... my partner might accept our differences at first, but would try and shame or humiliate me later on until I changed my mind.

Quiz Outcomes

1.
The Reactive Relationship
1. TAKE THE QUIZ - to identify any Toxic Traits2. DOWNLOAD THE WORKSHEET - to define any Toxic Behaviors3. WATCH THE VIDEOS - to learn more about healthy relationships4. DEEPEN YOUR NEXT DATE NIGHT - with our top ten free questionsThe Reactive TypeReactivity is definitely a sign of an unhealthy, if not, toxic relationship. It refers to the inability of someone to regulate their feelings. If you find yourself walking on eggshells or getting big reactions from relatively small comments or interactions then you might want to talk to a professional.Explosive TempersCycles of anger, remorse, shame, and making-up need to be understood by the individual and the couple. There are often patterns that need to be explored and changed for a healthier dynamic to emerge. If the person with an explosive temper acts out physically by throwing things or getting aggressive, there’s even more need for professional help. Individuals with anger problems can benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Approaches to anger management and need more tools and skills to help.Threats To Break UpIf someone in a relationship constantly plays the ‘it’s over card,’ the relationship becomes unsafe and toxic. Often threats are used to coerce a partner into behaving in a required way and, if used regularly, causes damage to safety and trust. This is a reactive move from someone who could probably benefit from cooling down and choosing what to say or do rather than impulsively threatening to end it all.Lack Of Responsibility.Reactive people will have difficulty accepting responsibility and use a ‘go-to’ tactic of blaming others. This is a defense against being hurt; rather than accept any feelings of guilt or shame that come up in a relationship, it’s much ‘easier’ to go on the offensive and find fault in your partner. Taking responsibility for your relationship is one of the primary ways a relationship dynamic can change or shift. FREE BONUS ACTIVITY!! DEEPEN YOUR NEXT DATE NIGHT WITH OUR TOP TEN QUESTIONS
2.
The Distanced Relationship
1. TAKE THE QUIZ - to identify any Toxic Traits2. DOWNLOAD THE WORKSHEET - to define any Toxic Behaviors3. WATCH THE VIDEOS - to learn more about healthy relationships4. DEEPEN YOUR DATE NIGHT - with our free bonus activityDISTANCEDEvery relationship has periods of feeling more connected and having more emotional distance. Imagine there is a spectrum of disconnection, with toxicity at one end and general dysfunction at the other. When emotional distance is a result of a person truly lacking the skills to be vulnerable or become emotionally connected, dysfunction can occur. At the other end of the spectrum, using emotional distancing as punishment or withholding is more toxic. Communication Disconnection around communication can be a source of toxicity and frustration. When a person is not communicating directly about their needs or wants in a relationship, it is hard to find satisfaction in it. On the reverse side of this, when someone is not clearly communicating their intent or commitment to the relationship, a form of manipulation occurs and the partner might feel that they are being strung along. Emotional LiteracyIn my experience working as a therapist, most people have a significant amount of difficulty accessing, acknowledging, and verbalizing their feelings, which leads to some amount of dysfunction or miscommunication in most couples and relationships. When feelings are deliberately withheld, and not just the loving warm ones, we begin to move into a more toxic zone of emotional withholding. Sharing your feelings and listening to your partner’s feelings is a healthy skill to develop in or out of therapy. General CommunicationIf general communication is lacking in your relationship a great deal of dysfunction can occur. A partnership is built around the idea that there’s a team of two people working together towards a common goal, ideally, this is a 50 - 50 partnership in which there’s trust to confide in each other. When secrets are kept or withheld, toxicity can build – open communication, even around difficult topics is essential to have a healthy relationship. FREE BONUS ACTIVITYDEEPEN YOUR DATE NIGHTOur free bonus activity is a series of ten questions designed to help you feel closer and improve connection.
3.
The Insecure Relationship
1. TAKE THE QUIZ - to identify any Toxic Traits2. DOWNLOAD THE WORKSHEET - to define any Toxic Behaviors3. WATCH THE VIDEOS - to learn more about healthy relationships4. DEEPEN YOUR DATE NIGHT - with our free bonus activityThe Insecure TypeInsecurity in a relationship can be frustrating and toxic. Ideally, both partners should feel secure enough in the relationship to limit the ways this shows up and causes problems. For a relationship to be healthy, individuals need to do their personal work especially if they have reason to be insecure in the relationship.Me & You Against The WorldThere is a natural temptation at the start of a relationship to spend all your time with your significant other. However, if you find that you’re only spending time with your significant other and your other relationships take less of a priority, it could be a sign of some dysfunction. If one person is refusing to let the other see friends and family, I would say it’s probably a sign of a toxic relationship. A lot of people who isolate themselves within their relationship don’t realize that it’s unhealthy behavior. Remember that balance is the key, you can’t be a whole person in a relationship without a support system. Negativity Insecure people tend to sabotage relationships by overanalyzing details of behaviors that are rooted in irrational fears. Toxic relationships come from these deep insecurities in one person that lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy around rejection and being hurt. This is a sign of someone who needs more time to understand the core issues that go on for them and to resolve these with a trained professional. FREE BONUS ACTIVITY Deepening Date Night Activity is our free bonus activity for you.
4.
The Self-Serving Trait
1. TAKE THE QUIZ - to identify any Toxic Traits2. DOWNLOAD THE WORKSHEET - to define any Toxic Behaviors3. WATCH THE VIDEOS - to learn more about healthy relationships4. DEEPEN YOUR DATE NIGHT - our free bonus activityTHE SELF-SERVING TYPEI am refraining from using the word ‘narcissistic’ in this quiz because I believe it is overused in such a way that it encompasses too many traits that may or may not be narcissistic. We all have narcissistic traits, we need these traits to function properly in the world, to avoid being crushed by any rejection or big feeling, and to withstand the pressures of work and being social. Healthy narcissism is a ‘thing’ and it’s invaluable to us. However, in the context of relationships, someone who has difficulty in thinking about other people may have narcissistic traits that make being in a relationship with them particularly challenging. SELF-SERVINGA healthy relationship requires us to be aware of the emotional needs of our partners. If one person is repeatedly more concerned with their own needs over that of their partners, it’s probably a sign of some toxicity. RESPONSIBILITYIf a person consistently falls into patterns of blaming others, the world, the traffic or what they had for dinner, it will be hard to be in a relationship with them. This can be particularly toxic when one person is blamed for everything. True teamwork is about sharing responsibility, owning up to your mistakes, and refraining from the blame game. PROTECTIONHealthy couples will support each other and protect each other from verbal attacks from friends and family. Ideally, this is not done blindly and one partner can gently confront the other when they disagree. A couple in a toxic relationship will be more likely to throw each other under the bus, leaving each other emotionally exposed or vulnerable. Relationships need safety and trust which is eroded instantly with this kind of behavior. DEEPEN YOUR DATE NIGHT! Download our free bonus activity to deepen your date night with our top ten questions for connection.
5.
One-Upping
1. TAKE THE QUIZ - to identify any Toxic Traits2. DOWNLOAD THE WORKSHEET - to define any Toxic Behaviors3. WATCH THE VIDEOS - to learn more about healthy relationships4. DEEPEN YOUR DATE NIGHT - with our free bonus activityThe One-Up One DownPower is one of the most significant sources of conflict in a relationship. Ideally, a relationship consists of an equal balance of responsibility and power. When there is a struggle for power in a relationship, it can take many forms. DisdainDisdain is a form of contempt, a judgment or attack on someone's personality or character, from a position of superiority, with an intent to hurt or abuse. As a result, contempt from a partner with disdain is utterly poisonous to a relationship. This can take the form of eye rolls or put-downs. This is essentially a form of bullying and can even be a form of emotional abuse. Power.When one person needs more power than the other, it could be a sign of a superiority complex. If this is the case, this person might need others around them to be inferior. A University of Michigan research study surveyed 373 newlywed couples and found that teams who screamed at one another, showed contempt, or withdrew themselves from conflict within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce. Deceit Lying or deceiving your partner repeatedly is a form of manipulation that is toxic. Gaslighting is even more destructive, which is lying to your partner about reality and, in turn, having them question their sanity. The combination of lying and then gaslighting your partner to make them doubt things are particularly toxic. The Check-In, Check-List Activity A tool I recommend to all couples I work with in my private practice is the Check-In, Check-List. A weekly meeting between you both guides you through a series of 10 questions that set you up for the week ahead. 4. DEEPENING YOUR DATE NIGHTOur free bonus activity is below if you're interested in deepening your date night with our free activity.
6.
The Avoider's Relationship
1. TAKE THE QUIZ - to identify any Toxic Traits2. DOWNLOAD THE WORKSHEET - to define any Toxic Behaviors3. WATCH THE VIDEOS - to learn more about healthy relationships4. DEEPEN YOUR DATE NIGHT - with our free bonus PDFThe Avoidant TypeRelationships are all about communication, so when one person avoids talking about difficult situations, whether around anger or hurt feelings, the couple can never grow together or work through disagreements.ConflictThe conflict avoidant type lives a self-fulfilling prophecy, by avoiding conflict they increase frustration in their partner. This avoidant behavior either creates new conflict or exacerbates the original issue. In other situations, the avoidant type believes their partner won't listen or hear them, so has given up trying to resolve conflict.Conflict ResolutionConflict can actually be healthy in relationships, it’s a chance for couples to come together and find new solutions to being together. If one partner never apologizes or fixes the issues, then resentment builds and emotional distance grows. Conflict in relationships can be a great opportunity to grow closer with our partner, it allows us to resolve our differences and create new ways to be in relation to each other. When anger is a driving force behind some conflict, but it doesn't necessarily have to come out in a destructive or hurtful way.DEEPEN YOUR DATE NIGHTOur free bonus activity PDF is ten questions that are aimed at improving connection and intimacy.
7.
The Healthy Relationship
1. TAKE THE QUIZ - to identify any Toxic Traits2. DOWNLOAD THE WORKSHEET - to define any Toxic Behaviors3. WATCH THE VIDEOS - to learn more about healthy relationships4. DEEPEN MY DATE NIGHT - with our bonus activityCongratulations! It seems that you are avoiding some common pitfalls of dysfunction that lead to toxic relationships. To keep your relationship healthy keep up the healthy communication and consider a weekly check-in if you're not doing so. We are a little biased but are particularly proud of the Check-In, Check-List from My People Patterns. A tool I recommend to all couples I work with in my private practice is the Check-In, Check-List. A weekly meeting between you both that provides a structured guide through a series of 10 questions that set you up for the week ahead. 4. DEEPEN YOUR DATE NIGHTDeepen your date night with our free bonus activity