3.
Your primary coping strategy is avoidance
Based on your answers, you tend to avoid conflict with your addicted partner because you fear what will happen if you address the situation directly. This could be happening for any number of reasons:Maybe you learned (as a child) that you couldn't speak your mind.Maybe your addicted loved one has trained you to back off through intimidation or emotional manipulation. Maybe you feel hopelessly stuck, so you've just given up.Maybe you fear people getting upset with you.Maybe you feel you'll lose the relationship.Whatever your reason, it's most likely connected to some type of fear. This fear is causing you to take a passive stance toward this problem. You're hoping the problem will just fix itself (or at least stabilize). Unfortunately, addiction doesn't just go away. In fact, your addicted loved one is less likely to take action if you're giving them everything they want. Worst of all, you get run over in the process. Being too passive will only make you feeling confused, frustrated, and angry with everyone (including yourself). Examples of Passive Communication:Having a tendency to speak softly as if you are apologizing. Failing to stand up for yourself.Taking on the opinions of others instead of looking inward for your own opinions. Not expressing your feelings.Not having good eye contact.Continuously feeling anxious and depressed.Always being undecided/Can't make up your mind.Difficulty delegating to others.Constantly walking on eggshells. The Mind Trick: It can be easy to justify our passive behavior by telling ourselves that we don't want to make things worse by arguing about it. But passivity may be the perfect breeding ground for addiction. It allows everything to stay in the dark, and addiction thrives in the dark! The Truth: Having a loved one in active addiction means dealing with someone with a very diminished ability to self-regulate. If you don't put some healthy boundaries in place, you're not protecting them or yourself. You may not realize it, but you're loved one likely has a secret desire that something will make them stop. Not that long ago, one of my clients (who's been sober for a while now) told me how they use to have to wake up and drink in the shower every morning. He would be in the shower drinking and thinking, "why won't someone force me to go to detox". He couldn't stop himself. He couldn't make himself ask for help, but he secretly wished someone (or something) would intervene. Think of it like a cry for help. They might feel they can't stop themselves from treating you badly, lying, manipulating, or even stealing. Allowing someone to cross your boundaries ultimately makes them hate themselves even more, which only fuels their addiction. *Important side note: If you follow my content, then you may be thinking... "But Amber, you said to get out of the way and allow the natural consequences to happen." And you'd be right, that's exactly what I advise. However, it's important to understand the difference between making a strategic decision not to act (because you're trying to let your loved one feel the consequences of their choices) and being passive.Stepping back to let people make their own mistakes can be healthy and helpful, but that doesn't include allowing your loved one to run all over you. When the repercussions of their addictive behaviors start crossing over to your side of the street, that's when you need to take action. Who Am I to Tell You How to Deal With An Addicted Loved One? Let Me Fill You InHey there, I'm Amber 👋 My team and I have worked with families struggling with addiction for almost 20 years. We understand just how difficult having an addicted loved one can be. Families face a constant barrage of difficult choices, like...How to help without enabling?How to balance your addicted loved one's needs with everyone else's.How to respond to lying and other manipulative behaviors.How to get your loved one out of denial?How to get your loved one to agree to get help for their addiction?How to support them without sacrificing everything important to you?When to walk away.How to set healthy boundaries so their addictive behavior doesn't destroy everyone else. Kickstart Your Transformation With These Helpful Resources1. Join my FREE Facebook group for family members who have addicted loved ones. This is a great place to find support and advice on navigating the complexities of dealing with an addicted loved one.2. Get access to my entire YouTube playlist on boundaries with an addicted loved one. The videos in this playlist cover all the typical scenarios you are likely facing. 3. Book a coaching session with one of our family recovery specialists. This will allow you to talk over the specifics of your situation with someone who truly understands what it's like to have an addicted loved one.