Are You Holding Healthy Boundaries With Your Addicted Spouse?

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Quiz Questions

1.
Your spouse is intoxicated, but says they're going to drive to the grocery store. You know it's just an excuse to leave the house to get more drugs/alcohol. What do you do?
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- A.
  Hide their keys, but pretend to help them look.
- B.
  Make a comment that they obviously don't care about the other drivers on the road, and tell them you're not letting them leave in an intoxicated state.
- C.
  Allow them to leave, but call the police and let them know that your spouse is driving around intoxicated.
- D.
  Nothing, I can't control their behavior.
- E.
  Express my concerns about their seeming intoxicated and offer another solution.
2.
You find evidence recent of drug/alcohol use in your spouse's vehicle. What do you do?
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- A.
  Throw it away, but don't say anything.
- B.
  Put the items on the kitchen table so he knows you found them.
- C.
  Instead of confronting them, you cry to 3 support group friends.
- D.
  Wait until the next day and then let him know you found the items.
3.
Your mother-in-law tells you that you need to do a better job of monitoring your spouse's drinking. What do you do ?
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- A.
  Tell your mother-in-law that you're also concerned about their drinking but that you don't feel it's your place to control it.
- B.
  Acknowledge that your spouse is drinking too much, and then point out that it's probably because of their childhood trauma.
- C.
  Even though you're irritated at her assumption that you should be monitoring your spouse's drinking, you decide it's not worth starting a fight over. You politely say think you for your concern, and be careful not to let her see you rolling your eyes.
- D.
  Let out a big sigh of relief because someone else finally noticed. Then ask her to try and talk to your spouse about it.
4.
Your spouse is sick from a hangover and can't go to work today? What do you do?
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- A.
  Wake your spouse up and tell them that their substance use puts the entire family in financial jeopardy.
- B.
  Call their boss and tell them that your spouse has tested positive for Covid.
- C.
  Call your spouses mother and tell her that they're missing work, yet again, because they're hung over.
- D.
  Nothing
5.
Your spouse comes home intoxicated and seems to be trying to pick a fight. How do you respond?
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- A.
  Choose to go to bed early, and wait till the next morning to address it.
- B.
  Call your spouse's brother to come over so that there is a witness in case your spouse gets nasty.
- C.
  Tell your spouse that you're sick of putting up with their bullshit, and you're not going to be dragged into another argument.
- D.
  Get them to admit they've been drinking/using.
- E.
  Let him pass out and leave him there - even if it's on the floor! Go to bed alone and enjoy the middle of the bed.
6.
Your spouse has been telling you they've been sober for six weeks now, but you have a strong gut feeling that they had a relapse yesterday. What do you do?
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- A.
  Confront your spouse, and let them know that you know they're lying.
- B.
  Tell your spouse that you have a feeling that they may have had a relapse yesterday and encourage them to talk about it.
- C.
  Nothing, it's not your business.
- D.
  Start monitoring the bank account more closely to make sure they're not sneaking more money to buy alcohol/drugs.
7.
You're taking out the trash, and you come across evidence of drinking/drug use that your spouse was trying to hide. How do you handle this situation?
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- A.
  Present the evidence to your spouse and ask them what it is.
- B.
  Put the evidence on top of the trash, and then ask your spouse to take the trash out. This way, they'll know that you know.
- C.
  Call your spouse's counselor and tell them what you found, but ask them not to mention it to your spouse.
- D.
  Wait until they're at work the next day, then pack your things and leave because you already told your spouse that if you caught them using/drinking again, you were finished with the relationship.
8.
Your spouse wants something from the store but can't drive because they lost their license due to their addictive behaviors. What do you do?
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- A.
  Say something like..."I guess you shouldn't have lost your license then, hmmmm".
- B.
  Drive them to the store to get it, so they don't get in trouble for driving without a license.
- C.
  Let them know you can pick it up the next time you go out.
- D.
  Go to the store to get the item, but tell your spouse the store was out of what they wanted.
- E.
  Tell your spouse that you can't afford the gas to be running back and forth to the store all the time.
9.
Your kids are very upset with your spouse due to their erratic behavior. How do you respond?
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- A.
  Encourage them to tell your spouse about their concerns.
- B.
  Tell them not to worry about it because it's "grown-up business."
- C.
  Tell them that you're also very upset about it and that you're going to leave your spouse if they don't get their act together.
- D.
  Validate their concerns and ask if it's okay for you to tell your spouse about their frustrations.
- E.
  Complain to your spouse about having to clean up his messes with the kids.
10.
Your spouse has been spending all the money on their addiction, and you recently found out that they haven't been paying the mortgage/rent. What do you do?
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- A.
  Yell at your spouse about how they've broken your trust and demand to see records of where the money went.
- B.
  Secretly open another bank account and funnel out enough money to pay the bills in case your spouse doesn't pay them.
- C.
  Call your father-in-law and tell them that you're about to be kicked out of the house because of your spouse's addictive behaviors.
- D.
  Tell your spouse that you no longer trust them to pay the bills properly and let them know you'll be taking over the family finances.
- E.
  Get a side job to help cover the expenses.
11.
This weekend is your sister's birthday. The whole family is supposed to meet at her favorite restaurant to celebrate, but you're afraid your spouse will make a scene. What do you do?
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- A.
  Make up an excuse not to attend, but send a birthday card/gift certificate instead.
- B.
  Warn your spouse that if they ruin the family event, you're going to stay at your mother's house.
- C.
  Tell your spouse that you don't want them to go.
- D.
  "Accidently" forget to tell your spouse about the event, then go without them.
- E.
  Tell your spouse that you'd like for them to go to the birthday event with you, but you want to request that they don't drink/use before (or during the event). Also, let them know they don't have to go if they don't want to.
12.
Which picture best shows how you feel (most of the time)?
- A.
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  Answer A
- B.
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  Answer B
- C.
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  Answer C
- D.
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  Answer D
- E.
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  Answer E

Quiz Outcomes

1.
Non-direct Communication Style
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Based on your answers, you have a primarily to avoid conflict. You don't want to stir things up, but you're holding on to a lot of internal frustration. There can be lots of reasons why you don't feel like you can communicate directly.Maybe you learned as a kid that you weren't allowed to have an opinion?Maybe you're scared if you express yourself, they'll be a huge blow up?Maybe you're scared that you'll trigger your loved one into a relapse (or something worse)? You're trying not to show your anger, but your frustrations are leaking out in passive-aggressive behaviors. Kind of like a coca-cola that's been shaken up, you're ready to explode. You feel angry, resentful, or frustrated, but act neutral, pleasant, or even cheerful. You find indirect ways to show how you really feel, resulting in passive-aggressive behaviors. We usually recognize it when passive-aggressive behavior is directed at us, but we often don't recognize it when we dish it out to others.Here are some examples of passive-aggressive behaviors: Agreeing to do things you don't want to do but holding resentment about it. Purposefully delaying finishing a task that someone else requested or making intentional mistakes.Having a sarcastic or argumentative attitude.Routinely complaining about feeling underappreciated.Throwing in one last negative judgment, so you still have the last word in the argument.Giving the silent treatment and/or refusing to admit when you're upset even though your body language is screaming that something is wrong.Secretly keeping score of helpful things you do vs. helpful things they do. The Mind TrickWhen we behave this way, it's easy to convince ourselves that we're sacrificing our own needs for the good of the relationship (or that we're putting others first). But, this isn't the whole story. The truth is... We're avoiding conflict because we don't want to deal with the uncomfortableness of addressing problems directly.What's really happening: When we behave passive-aggressively, we break our own boundaries AND the other persons. So ultimately, it's a lose/lose situation. No one gets their needs met, and both parties build resentment. The SolutionThe good news is...There are ways of expressing your true feelings without starting a fight. It's not what you say but how you say it. Your needs matter too! These negative feelings are leaking out anyways, so let's find some more productive ways for you to get your point across. Who Am I to Tell You How to Deal With An Addicted Loved One? Let Me Fill You InHey there, I'm Amber 👋 My team and I have worked with families struggling with addiction for almost 20 years. We understand just how difficult having an addicted loved one can be. Families face a constant barrage of difficult choices, like...• How to help without enabling?• How to balance your addicted loved one's needs with everyone else's.• How to respond to lying and other manipulative behaviors.• How to get your loved one out of denial?• How to get your loved one to agree to get help for their addiction?• How to support them without sacrificing everything important to you?• When to walk away.• How to set healthy boundaries so their addictive behavior doesn't destroy everyone else. Kickstart Your Transformation With These Helpful Resources1. Join My FREE Facebook group for family members who have addicted loved ones. This is a great place to find support and advice on navigating the complexities of dealing with an addicted loved one.2. Get access to my entire YouTube playlist on boundaries with an addicted loved one. The videos in this playlist cover all the typical scenarios you are likely facing. 3. Book a coaching session with one of our family recovery specialists. . This will allow you to talk over the specifics of your situation with someone who truly understands what it's like to have an addicted loved one.
2.
Your leading emotion is... Anger
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Dealing with an addicted loved one will make anyone angry, and we all deal with that anger differently. Based on your answers, your anger is leaking out in sarcastic comments and tough love boundaries. Heck, it's super hard not to lash out when we feel taken advantage of, made a fool of, or manipulated. Anger is Actually A Healthy Reaction To Your Situation! We should always pay attention to our anger because it's telling us something important. Anger is a healthy emotion. It signals that someone (or something) is crossing our boundaries in a way that is not okay. Think of it like an indicator light in your car. Anger is there to get your attention to things that could be going wrong. Unfortunately, it doesn't tell you how to fix the issue.When we feel hurt, it's easy to justify behaving in a hurtful way toward others. We develop a brewing hostility inside, which seeps out in the way we talk to others. Our anger starts to ooze out of our pores. Our body langauage, facial expressions, and biting comments scream with anger and resentment, and other people react to it! Usually not in a good way. 😫Others perceive our energy as threatening and react accordingly. They either become defensive and angry themselves, or they become very avoidant. These types of reactions make us even more frustrated! Here are some examples of aggressive communication: Speaking in a commanding and obnoxious tone of voiceCriticism of othersUse of humiliation to control othersAttempts to dominateFrequent interruptionsStatements beginning with “You.”Easily irritated temperName-callingMaking threatsSometimes showing our anger (or communicating aggressively) will intimidate others into saying what we want to hear or doing what we want them to do (in the short term). But don't be fooled by this superficial compliance.What's really happening:Behind the scenes, the other person is just building more and more resentment toward you. They will use this resentment to justify all sorts of acting-out behaviors. Letting your frustrations get the best of you will cause you to make impulsive and irrational decisions. It may feel better to let off a little steam, but ultimately it makes things worse. Your Addicted Loved One Will Use This Against You (Big Time!) One of the ways that people with addictions manipulate us is to purposefully trigger an angry response. When we act out of anger, we're allowing them to put us into "the bad guy role". Here are some examples of how your addicted loved one will use your anger against you:They'll tell you you're an over-reactor. This gaslighting. They'll convince family and friends that you're controlling and mean. They'll even start a fight in order to justify leaving the house to engage in their addictive behavior. They'll provoke you to act out in anger because they know you'll end up feeling guilty for what you said or did, then you'll give in to what they want. The Solution:The key is to use our anger as a signal, not a weapon. When you feel angry, stop and explore what's really happening. Figure out why you're angry. (Hint*....It's usually much deeper than it appears) Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself: Did something hurt my feelings?Am I fearful about something?Do I feel taken advantage of?Do I feel manipulated or controlled?Does this trigger something from my childhood?Am I feeling excessively anxious about something? Once you figure out the deeper issue, find a way of communicating your real concerns instead of lashing out. Letting others see our deeper feelings can feel very vulnerable. It's more uncomfortable, but people usually respond much better to this genuine communication style. The other person is much more likely to want to help make things better. Whereas, when we communicate our anger and hostility, most people will find a way to be angry or hostile back to us. Who Am I to Tell You How to Deal With An Addicted Loved One? Let Me Fill You InHey there, I'm Amber 👋 My team and I have worked with families struggling with addiction for almost 20 years. We understand just how difficult having an addicted loved one can be. Families face a constant barrage of difficult choices, like...How to help without enabling?How to balance your addicted loved one's needs with everyone else's.How to respond to lying and other manipulative behaviors.How to get your loved one out of denial?How to get your loved one to agree to get help for their addiction?How to support them without sacrificing everything important to you?When to walk away.How to set healthy boundaries so their addictive behavior doesn't destroy everyone else. Kickstart Your Transformation With These Helpful Resources1. Join my FREE Facebook group for family members who have addicted loved ones. This is a great place to find support and advice on how to navigate the complexities of dealing with an addicted loved one.2. Get access to my entire YouTube playlist on boundaries with an addicted loved one. The videos in this playlist cover all the typical scenarios you are likely facing. 3. Book a coaching session with one of our family recovery specialists. This will allow you to talk over the specifics of your situation with someone who truly understands what it's like to have an addicted loved one.
3.
Your primary coping strategy is avoidance
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Based on your answers, you tend to avoid conflict with your addicted partner because you fear what will happen if you address the situation directly. This could be happening for any number of reasons:Maybe you learned (as a child) that you couldn't speak your mind.Maybe your addicted loved one has trained you to back off through intimidation or emotional manipulation. Maybe you feel hopelessly stuck, so you've just given up.Maybe you fear people getting upset with you.Maybe you feel you'll lose the relationship.Whatever your reason, it's most likely connected to some type of fear. This fear is causing you to take a passive stance toward this problem. You're hoping the problem will just fix itself (or at least stabilize). Unfortunately, addiction doesn't just go away. In fact, your addicted loved one is less likely to take action if you're giving them everything they want. Worst of all, you get run over in the process. Being too passive will only make you feeling confused, frustrated, and angry with everyone (including yourself). Examples of Passive Communication:Having a tendency to speak softly as if you are apologizing. Failing to stand up for yourself.Taking on the opinions of others instead of looking inward for your own opinions. Not expressing your feelings.Not having good eye contact.Continuously feeling anxious and depressed.Always being undecided/Can't make up your mind.Difficulty delegating to others.Constantly walking on eggshells. The Mind Trick: It can be easy to justify our passive behavior by telling ourselves that we don't want to make things worse by arguing about it. But passivity may be the perfect breeding ground for addiction. It allows everything to stay in the dark, and addiction thrives in the dark! The Truth: Having a loved one in active addiction means dealing with someone with a very diminished ability to self-regulate. If you don't put some healthy boundaries in place, you're not protecting them or yourself. You may not realize it, but you're loved one likely has a secret desire that something will make them stop. Not that long ago, one of my clients (who's been sober for a while now) told me how they use to have to wake up and drink in the shower every morning. He would be in the shower drinking and thinking, "why won't someone force me to go to detox". He couldn't stop himself. He couldn't make himself ask for help, but he secretly wished someone (or something) would intervene. Think of it like a cry for help. They might feel they can't stop themselves from treating you badly, lying, manipulating, or even stealing. Allowing someone to cross your boundaries ultimately makes them hate themselves even more, which only fuels their addiction. *Important side note: If you follow my content, then you may be thinking... "But Amber, you said to get out of the way and allow the natural consequences to happen." And you'd be right, that's exactly what I advise. However, it's important to understand the difference between making a strategic decision not to act (because you're trying to let your loved one feel the consequences of their choices) and being passive.Stepping back to let people make their own mistakes can be healthy and helpful, but that doesn't include allowing your loved one to run all over you. When the repercussions of their addictive behaviors start crossing over to your side of the street, that's when you need to take action. Who Am I to Tell You How to Deal With An Addicted Loved One? Let Me Fill You InHey there, I'm Amber 👋 My team and I have worked with families struggling with addiction for almost 20 years. We understand just how difficult having an addicted loved one can be. Families face a constant barrage of difficult choices, like...How to help without enabling?How to balance your addicted loved one's needs with everyone else's.How to respond to lying and other manipulative behaviors.How to get your loved one out of denial?How to get your loved one to agree to get help for their addiction?How to support them without sacrificing everything important to you?When to walk away.How to set healthy boundaries so their addictive behavior doesn't destroy everyone else. Kickstart Your Transformation With These Helpful Resources1. Join my FREE Facebook group for family members who have addicted loved ones. This is a great place to find support and advice on navigating the complexities of dealing with an addicted loved one.2. Get access to my entire YouTube playlist on boundaries with an addicted loved one. The videos in this playlist cover all the typical scenarios you are likely facing. 3. Book a coaching session with one of our family recovery specialists. This will allow you to talk over the specifics of your situation with someone who truly understands what it's like to have an addicted loved one.
4.
Nice work! You have healthy boundaries!
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Based on your answers, you're finding effective ways of addressing problems assertively while staying out of the "bad guy role." This is particularly impressive when dealing with an addicted loved one! You're getting an A+++⭐Having an addicted loved one puts your boundaries to the test, but you're holding your own pretty darn well! 💪🏻For the most part, you are allowing your loved one to experience the consequences of their actions but not allowing them to run all over you. You're developing a good sense of how to stay in your own lane.That said, there may be some areas where you're not feeling as confident. The quiz doesn't cover some of the more complex issues people with addicted loved ones face. That's because they're too complex to address in this format. I'm will list some additional resources below if you still feel like you need a little extra guidance. Who Am I to Tell You How to Live Your Happiest and Healthiest? Let Me Fill You InHey there, I'm Amber 👋 My team and I have worked with families struggling with addiction for almost 20 years. We understand just how difficult having an addicted loved one can be. Families face a constant barrage of difficult choices, like...• How to help without enabling?• How to balance your addicted loved one's needs with everyone else's.• How to respond to lying and other manipulative behaviors.• How to get your loved one out of denial?• How to get your loved one to agree to get help for their addiction?• How to support them without sacrificing everything important to you?• When to walk away.• How to set healthy boundaries so their addictive behavior doesn't destroy everyone else. Kickstart Your Transformation With These Helpful Resources1. Join my FREE Facebook group for family members who have addicted loved ones. This is a great place to find support and advice on navigating the complexities of dealing with an addicted loved one.2. Get access to my entire YouTube playlist on boundaries with an addicted loved one. The videos in this playlist cover all the typical scenarios you are likely facing. 3. Book a coaching session with one of our family recovery specialists. This will allow you to talk over the specifics of your situation with someone who truly understands what it's like to have an addicted loved one.