What do you desire in the bedroom?

Quiz Questions

• 1.
  (1) It is a warm summer day. You and your partner decide to have a spontaneous date night. It begins with dinner and live music. Which scenario would you like to happen most?

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  • A.
    During dinner, you caress your partner's leg and sneak a feel. A few minutes later, you nibble their ear lobe and whisper, "I can't wait to have you inside me." When dinner finishes, you both hurry back to your hotel room and throw him down on the bed while sucking his bottom lip and unbuckling his belt.
  • B.
    During dinner, you and your partner hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes. They tell you how beautiful you are. After dinner, unbeknownst to you, your partner takes you to a hotel with a city view. Upon entering the room, soft music is playing with lite candles. You notice beautiful fresh rose peddles in the shape of a heart on the bed. Your partner begins to kiss your shoulder softly and whispers how much they love you in your ear.
  • C.
    After dinner, you all walk to a nearby creek. You take your clothes off and jump into the water under the moonlight. You love the temperature of the water and how the moonlight cascades down your body. The calm sounds of the creek arouse you as you connect with the natural sounds of the birds. Your partner begins to drip water down your back and kiss your neck gently, and you let out a quiet moan as they whispers affirmations such as "you are beautiful and powerful", "I love you", while your breathe sync.
  • D.
    On your way to dinner, your partner says, "You don't have to worry about a thing." Just do as I say for the rest of the night. They end with, "Do you understand?" You reply in anticipation, "Yes." When the waiter comes, your partner orders your meal. After dinner, your partner tells the waiter, "She would like the chocolate-covered strawberries and whipped cream." When the strawberries arrive, they say in your ear, "Dip the strawberry into the whipped cream and lick it off very slowly." You comply. Your partner says to you with a stern, yet gentle, whisper, "I love how you're licking it. Look at me when you do it, and open your mouth a little wider."
• 2.
  (2) You enter a private yoga studio. It's only you and your partner. You can do anything you want in the studio. Would you rather?

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  • A.
    Tell your partner you can't wait to see what they come up with. You love being dominated and want them to take the lead. The anticipation turns you on.
  • B.
    Lay out food for an intimate picnic with candles and your favorite soft music.
  • C.
    Your partner grab you, push you against the wall, and kiss you passionately.
  • D.
    Lay out some yoga mats, play music with natural elements, and stare into each other's eyes while matching breaths.
• 3.
  (3) During sex, what would you rather hear your partner say?

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  • A.
    "You are the woman of my dreams. I've never loved someone the way I love you."
  • B.
    "When I am around you, I can't wait to have you. I could spend hours licking and tasting you."
  • C.
    "You are mine, and I will do with you as I please."
  • D.
    "When I look at you, I feel so connected. It's like the universe made our souls and spirits for each other."
• 4.
   (4) Which of these scenarios would turn you on the most?

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  • A.
    Giving and receiving sensual massages
  • B.
    Being spanked by your partner and/or following orders.
  • C.
    Your partner kissing your lips softly and saying, "I adore everything about you."
  • D.
    Your partner grabbing your ass, pulling you close to them, and making out with you in public.
• 5.
  (5) Which of these do you want to feel during sex? 

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  • A.
    Ravished and naughty
  • B.
    Connected and creative
  • C.
    Submissive and trustful or powerful and taking the lead
  • D.
    Precious and beautiful
• 6.
  (6) Think about your most arousing sexual experience. What feelings and thoughts arouse you the most?

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  • A.
    I want to feel seen, adored, and loved.
  • B.
    I want my partner to take control and tell me exactly what to do and what they like. Or I want to tell my partner what I like and tell them what to do.
  • C.
    I want my partner to take me now. The thought of anticipation really turns me on.
  • D.
    I want to feel an exchange of energy when our souls collide through breath and meditation.
• 7.
  (7) What scenario would you want most?

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  • A.
    I want to be the most beautiful and amazing person my partner has ever seen. I want to know that they miss me when I am not around and yearn to be with me.
  • B.
    I want to lead my partner into the bedroom and have them do as I say without question. First, I want to blindfold them, have them kneel before me, and kiss my inner thigh.
  • C.
    I want my partner to come in after work, grab me by my waist, pull me in close, restrain my hands, and kiss me while tearing off my panties.
  • D.
    I want to feel my partner's energy. I want them to stare deep into my soul as I moan before they touch me.

Quiz Outcomes

• 1.
  You Like Dominance/Submission

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  You are most aroused by Dominance and SubmissionYou fantasize about Dominant and Submissive Words and Gestures.Dominance and submission go together because, often, people like to switch between the two. Dominance is about feeling powerful and in control. The energy is calm, centered, and commanding. If you fantasize about dominance, you love telling your partner what to do and taking charge of their body. The idea of punishing someone for not obeying your demands turns you on. On the other hand, submission is the opposite of dominance. You want to be restrained or constrained in ways that make you feel safe. Taking orders from your partner and doing what they want is so sexy to you. Not taking responsibility or wanting to feel punished or coerced by your partner makes you wet. Dominance and submission are about safety and trust, so romance or other forms of connection may be needed before people are willing to explore it. Some love dominance, some tolerate it in small doses, and others hate it. This fantasy is also characterized by society and gender roles—so the dynamic of dominant women and submissive men is not natural or easy for some. You may struggle with becoming aroused by your partner because not everyone likes this dynamic. Depending on your and your partner's personal history, this fantasy combination can be very sensitive, require some finesse, and evoke strong emotions in some people. It is important to note that there is a difference between being mean and abusive when playing with dominance and submission. This fantasy can be a new dynamic and lots of fun if you and your partner are willing to explore it. Here are 2 tools you can use to understand Dominance/Submissive fantasies1. Taboo Sex SceneSelf: Make sure you have the time and space to follow through with this experience. Think of a movie where dominance and submission were used. It can be a taboo scene that includes aggression. Decide whether you want to be dominant or submissive. Once you know which role you want to play, ask yourself the following questions and write down the answers. 1. What did you like about the movie or a particular scene? 2. What did you find most arousing? 3. What did you not like about it? 4. What role would you like to play and why? 5. What words were used that turned you on? 6. What gestures turned you on? Feel free to come up with other questions to gain insight into your desires. 2. Let's PlayCouples:Let’s play with dominant and submissive touch. Please only use these tools if you and your partner feel 100% safe with each other. Also, before you begin, establish a safe word to use if your partner feels unsafe or uncomfortable, and ensure your partner is okay with these tools. Spanking (Dominance)— In this tool, you are the dominant, and your partner is the submissive. Since you are in control, you will need your partner to get into a position that you find arousing. This may be having them lie flat on their stomach or back. It could be telling them to kneel on their knees in front of you (if you use kneeling, make sure they have pillows or something to make it comfortable). Start slow. You can start by rubbing your flat palm over all over their bottom. Then maybe progress into raking your nails across their skin very lightly. Then make sure your hand is cupped and give them a light tap. If you are new to this, repeat this sequence with a little firmer tap. If you are into moaning, you can ask them to let out a moan. Then check in with your partner. Gauge your interest and level of arousal using a 1-10 scale, and then gauge your partners’ level of arousal as well. You can also do this exercise with a leather whipping toy. Tie me up (Submission)—Have your partner tie you up using a rope, handcuffs, or scarves (etc.). Your partner can tie up your legs or arms, and you may be able to progress to both—if you choose. Make sure it is done gently, and you feel comfortable. Remind your partner that their favorite body part of yours should be exposed. Ensure you do not feel tingling; if so, ask permission for them to loosen the ties. From here, the world is your partner’s oyster. They can play with your body if you feel safe, or they can give you demands. For example, your partner may ask you not to squirm or talk while they do all sorts of things to your body (e.g., massage you, finger you, go down on you, etc.).
• 2.
  You Like Passion

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  You are most aroused by Passion You fantasize about Passionate Words and Gestures.Passion is about sex that is uncontrollable and animalistic. Most people want some form of passion in their sex lives. Some people wonder how passion is different from dominance. Passion is innate, it’s within you, and it’s uninhibited. Your passion fantasy is about having intense insatiable sexual desire. Passion comes with anticipation and yearning. You want to feel desired, taken, or ravished by your partner. You might enjoy intense actions such as smacking, biting, or hair-pulling. People who love passion may like being choked or letting go of inhibitions. You would love the experience of going after what you desire when you desire it. You also may want light touch followed by a more intense touch and being grabbed by your partner. Perhaps being pinned against a wall or pinning your partner against the wall turns you on. You may struggle with becoming aroused by your partner if they are primarily gentle and like sensual, romantic, and spiritual sex. For example, if your partner wants to give you soft massages and whisper to you how much they love you, and you want them to rip your clothes off as they walk in the door from work and bend you over and pin you to the kitchen top, you will struggle to have the sexual experience you want. Here are 2 tools you can use to understand Passionate fantasies1. I like it when you say...Self:Write down the words or feelings you want to hear that turn you on during sex. Then designate some time for yourself. Set the mood for yourself. Turn off your phone unless you are using it for music. Lock your door. If you really want to get into it, break out your favorite lingerie. Then repeat the words you wrote down to yourself while you touch yourself or use your favorite vibrating toy. You can also find your favorite love-making song with the words you want to hear and play while you masturbate. For example, I like listening to “When We” by Tank. A few things to remember: (1) Focus on pleasure, not orgasm (2) Explore your whole body, not just your vulva. When you get to your vulva, thank it by enjoying every centimeter of it. Play around your vulva using different touches, positions and motions, tempo/timing of touch, and fingers. Love your body for all it gives you and what you can do with it. Loving yourself is so powerful and can go a long way. 2. Sexting Anyone?CouplesMake sure you have the time and space to follow through with this experience. Begin with one or two text messages filled with passionate words. For example, • “I can’t wait until you get home; I want to feel you inside me.” • “I’ve never been f**ked like you f**ked me last night.” • “I love waking up with your tongue.” See how those land for your partner, and when they get home, follow through as you see fit. Perhaps, kiss them passionately as soon as they want in the door and see where it leads.
• 3.
  You Like Romance

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  You are most aroused by Romance You fantasize about Romantic Words and Gestures.Here are 2 tools you can use to understand Romantic fantasiesRomance is about feeling loved, precious, beautiful, and wanting someone to long for you. Almost all women respond to romance. You’d love your partner to understand and pay close attention to your desires and needs. These feelings come from wanting to be adored or admired by your partner. All you want to hear is: • “I love you and only you.” • “Being close to you means the world to me.” • “You are the woman of my dreams.” • “I love being with you.” All you wish for are letters, cards, or romantic texts. Remembering birthdays or special occasions means a lot to you—and spontaneous romantic gestures make you feel seen. Deep eye contact, emotional sharing, and vulnerability make you tingle in all the right places. You may struggle with becoming aroused by your partner, if they are emotionally unavailable and do not express how much they love and adore you. For example, if your partner has not told you how much they love you or they often forget important things, it may be hard to connect with them. 1. You're so touchySelf: Connect with yourself through touch. Find 5-10 minutes and give yourself a nice massage. Explore where you enjoy being touched most. Make a mental note of which body parts you love the most and how you touched them that were most arousing for you..2. Look into my eyesCouples:Create a romantic atmosphere by lighting scented candles and playing sensual music. Sit or lie face to face, and take 30 seconds to 1 minute to look into each other’s eyes. You can stop here. If you want to go deeper, add another 30 seconds to 1 minute, this time trying to match each other’s breath by placing a hand on each other’s chest.
• 4.
  You Like Spiritual Connection

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  You are most aroused by Spiritual/Sacred Connection You fantasize about Nature, Connection, Sensuality and OnenessYour core desires or what you want to feel during sex are connection, spirituality, and oneness with yourself and your partner. You may want to be treated like a goddess, affirmed, or worshiped by your partner.You enjoy a sense of Oneness. You are likely to believe that your sexuality is a sacred part of who you are; it is expressed through a spiritual connection with yourself and others.You are turned on by the connection between yourself and the universe or nature. You want to feel deeply connected to your partner through body sensations /your sensuality (i.e., eye gazing, connected breathing, light touch, natural scents) and/or to visualize the elements (i.e., nature/earth, air, fire, water; sounds of natural running water, birds chirping, looking at the flames of fire).You may struggle with sharing your fantasies with your partner if they are not aroused by spiritual connection or unsure what it means to be connected through sensuality. For example, if connecting through eye-gazing or breathwork turns you on and does not turn them on, it may be challenging to be aroused during sex.Here are 2 tools you can use to understand Spiritual Fantasies1. Let's BreatheSelf: Practice with different forms of breathwork and determine which one is most arousing for you (i.e., simple breath or breath of fire).For the simple breath practice, deeply and slowly move your breath in and out through your mouth. Play with the tempo/timing of your inhales and exhales. As you get more aroused, make your exhale audible with an “aaahhhh” or any other sound that feels good; if you notice anxiety increasing, breathe in through your nose, and exhale through your mouth.2. Natural ConnectionCouple/Self: Explore ritual connections. These can come in the form of candle lighting, sensual dance/movement, and natural sounds. Perform any of these alone or with your partner when you have time to explore your desires. Spiritual/sensual activities that work through sound and music can be profoundly erotic for you. Think mantras, loving affirmations. Here is a podcast that I believe embodies spiritual or scared sexuality.What is sacred sex?