1.
Pursuer
Pursuing is a common response to experiencing emotional neglect or abuse in childhood. As a result of this neglect or abuse, you often felt like you had to beg to be loved, seen, or accepted by your caregivers. In adulthood, you now feel an intense distress when someone is upset or when the relationship is going through a rough patch (as this can stir up the same feelings of neglect or rejection you experienced as a child). The result is that you want to talk things out immediately during conflict in order to find a resolution and smooth things over. In comparison to withdrawers, pursuers are also more likely to seek out reassurance, validation, and closeness from their partner in order to feel secure in their relationship again. When pursuers are in a relationship with a withdrawer, they can become angry or frustrated when they feel like they are the ones doing all the work. They often feel like they have to beg their partners just to get them to open up. This pain is only amplified when a pursuer sees that their withdrawing partner is not attempting to resolve the conflict or talk things out.Pursuers often do not realize that their pursuing tendencies are causing their partner to shut down even further, which is reinforcing the overall negative relationship cycle. If pursuers want to have healthy connection and safe conflict in their relationships, they need to focus on de-escalating their pursuing behaviours and speaking to their partners in more effective ways in order to create enough emotional space for their partner to come forward. To do this, pursuers must become skilled at regulating their nervous system to create a sense of internal safety and learn healthier communication skills.