Are You Dating an Avoidant (or Were You)?

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Quiz Questions

1.
What is your status with this person?
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- A.
  We're in a committed relationship that we both agreed to in a conversation.
- B.
  We've been dating for some months, spending time together every week, and the commitment conversation is hopefully coming soon.
- C.
  We're broken up after non-commitment dating for some months
- D.
  We're broken up after a committed relationship
- E.
  We're in a sexually intimate situationship where we hang out several times a month.
- F.
  This person is just my friend for a while now, but I feel like there is something more.
- G.
  We're talking online. We have a romantic connection, but no commitment yet.
2.
After you met, what happened?
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- A.
  We would mostly message here are there throughout the week and kept things pretty relaxed. We hung out a few times a month, but I felt like this person was resisting something more serious.
- B.
  Things steadily became more serious. Within the first week we met, we texted or communicated regularly throughout the week. We went on romantic dates every week. We didn't communicate or see each other as much as I would prefer, but things gradually got more serious.
- C.
  Things moved quickly. Within a few days after we met, they sent me lots of text messages throughout the day. We sometimes spoke on the phone and we spent time together often every week. They quickly wanted a relationship and were making plans for the future, so I fell for them hard.
- D.
  We were intimate within the first couple of times we hung out. We always have so much fun together. We have a lot in common, and I feel like this person is holding back from seeing each other more and being in a serious relationship.
- E.
  We've maintained a friendship (or flirty friendship) of mostly texting/talking online. Things haven't progressed to something serious yet.
- F.
  It started online, and we spoke and video chatted all the time and things progressed into us setting a date on the calendar to be together living in the same city.
- G.
  It started online, and we spoke and video chatted all the time. But I felt like I kept trying to meet this person or figure out how to be together, and they kept pulling away and not committing to a plan.
3.
Has it been a online distance relationship/situationship?
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- A.
  No.
- B.
  Yes, and we are together now in the same city in a committed relationship.
- C.
  Yes, and we agreed to a detailed plan to live in the same city in the next 2-6 months and have made arrangements regarding our jobs, where to live, buying plane tickets, etc.
- D.
  Yes. We have no plans to live in the same city yet. So far, we have met up 1-2 times.
- E.
  Yes. It's still in the "we talk all the time phase," but we haven't met up yet and the other person isn't really committing to meet up or keeps canceling plans to meet up.
4.
Patterns for Going on Dates in the First 1-3 Months
- A.
  We went on at least 1-3 romantic dates every week (dinner, going to the movies, activities like ice skating, bowling, etc.)
- B.
  We went on a few romantic dates a month, but things didn't work out after the first couple of months.
- C.
  We didn't go on weekly romantic dates. We hung out casually at bars, and did some occasional fun activities like grabbing a drink, watching a live local band, watching a movie at their place...
- D.
  We spent a lot of time together fast every week, which was a mix of dates and spending time at one of our homes often. As the months passed, things became more inconsistent or confusing
- E.
  We didn't go on romantic dates every week. It was mostly meeting at their place or mine.
- F.
  It was online, so we didn't meet up. But after that, we met up multiple times and are planning on living in the same city
- G.
  It was online, so we didn't meet up. Now it's many months later and we still haven't really made plans to meet up
- H.
  It was online, so we didn't meet up. But after that, we met up once and are still seeing where things go.
5.
How was your partner's weekly pace in the first 1-3 months?
- A.
  They would sometimes spend at least 3-4 days with me every week, but after the beginning, they would spend no time with me at all. Sometimes they would want to talk to me all the time, and other times, they would go most of the week barely communicating
- B.
  My partner was consistent. They spent time with me on a weekly basis, but rarely more than 2-3 times a week. In the days we didn't see each other, we would communicate via text or calls throughout the days we weren't together.
- C.
  We would spend time with each other 2-4 times a month in total, and those meet ups were often being sexually intimate. When we weren't together, I felt like they could involve me in their life more, but they were pulling away
- D.
  It was online, so we spoke online regularly every week. We've met up a few times after those first 1-3 months though
- E.
  It was online, so we spoke online regularly every week. Months later, we still don't have a plan of meeting up.
- F.
  It was online, so we met up once but don't have solid plans for how to spend more time together and when to see each other again.
6.
If it's an online or distance romance, where do you stand now?
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- A.
  It's not an online romance.
- B.
  We still haven't met. This person is not helping to make plans to meet, or, when we do, they cancel plans.
- C.
  We met once and the person has been distant and unavailable afterwards.
- D.
  We are together in the same city now.
- E.
  We met once or twice and already have a date in the calendar to meet up again or live in the same city.
7.
What was Dating Phase Communication Like in the First 1-3 Months?
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- A.
  Our communication was pretty casual. It was often fun banter, and I felt like we could talk about most things. But when it came to relationship talk, I never quite felt it from them that they wanted something serious.
- B.
  They were using very affirming language with me in the first month (for example, saying "I love you," talking about spending time with their family, etc.), and we entered into a relationship quickly. They talked about the future a lot as well, which is why I fell for them fast, but months later, they are inconsistent in making me feel as special as they did in the beginning and are acting like a different person.
- C.
  Sometimes we would talk about deeper things, but a lot of the conversations were us making plans to meet up for drinks or to plan me going to their place, or them coming to mine. Otherwise, throughout the week, we didn't communicate too much, unless I tried to keep the conversation going.
- D.
  Communication was consistent, but not TOO vulnerable. Maybe we didn't text all-day-everyday, but we communicated throughout the day about most topics. Over time, the communication got more serious as we became more vulnerable with each other and entered into a relationship. The frequency of communication and vulnerability could both improve though.
- E.
  It was all online and we were outlets for each other on a consistent basis. But as time evolved, it has mostly stayed this way and I am struggling with this person not wanting to transition this into spending more time together in the real world.
- F.
  It was all online and we were outlets for each other on a consistent basis. As time evolved, we met up, but I feel like this person pulled away afterwards.
8.
What happened in the Honeymoon Phase 3-5+ Months In?
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- A.
  We didn't make it past 3 months of dating/talking/hanging out, but I still really like this person and don't know how to get over them. I felt like even though it ended, they were holding back and didn't allow themselves to open up more, which is a shame because we had so much fun and felt so comfortable together.
- B.
  I feel like the person I met in the beginning really started to act very different. This person who made me feel so special, which is why I fell for them so fast, started acting very inconsistently to the way they were in the beginning and it's confusing. I feel blindsided.
- C.
  After 3 months together, we entered a committed relationship. Quality time slowly improved and we now knew each other on a more vulnerable level. But even with those improvements, my partner still takes a lot of time to open up, communicate about issues or spend more time with me. It's frustrating.
- D.
  We still meet up numerous times throughout the month. We'll mostly hang out and then be sexually intimate at night. But most of the month, they have a separate life that doesn't really involve me, and vice versa. I feel like they are resisting something more serious
- E.
  We are still talking, but it's inconsistent between being romantic and friendly. It's like a phony friendship on their terms. I know they are holding back. I am frustrated because I want something more serious and I feel like they are vague and resisting making plans with me
9.
What Are They Like with Quality Time 4-6+ Months In?
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- A.
  Some weeks, my partner wants to spend so much time with me, and other weeks, they have no time for me and barely communicate with me. In the beginning, they consistently spent a lot of time with me, and now they are so different, despite things getting more serious and us being more vulnerable with each other. .
- B.
  We are not in a relationship... we hook up a few times a month, but they make me feel special in those moments
- C.
  I am frustrated that we are not spending more time together. I feel strongly for my partner and we have a good relationship. My partner took things slow in the beginning, which in the beginning felt mature and serious. But I thought the time we spend together would increase over time and it's still the same, despite things getting more serious and us being more vulnerable with each other.
- D.
  We are talking online still and have not made concrete plans to consolidate our lives into one city because they keep creating distance.
- E.
  We are broken up for a few months now and were never in a committed relationship.
- F.
  We are broken up a few months now after a short committed relationship that was very serious very fast but ended quickly. I feel blindsided and confused.
- G.
  We are talking online almost everyday and have a set date on the calendar to live in the same city
10.
The Power Struggle Phase and Schedules 4-6+ Months In
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- A.
  Does your partner tend to get their way in the schedule of when you see each other because you are a flexible partner that is agreeable, and you feel like the relationship naturally revolves around their availability?
- B.
  Does your partner tend to get their way in the schedule of when you see each other because they are controlling and demanding and communicate dismissively about your schedule and commitments when you bring them up?
- C.
  Are you not in a committed or seriously relationship and see your partner a few times a month, mostly leading to sex?
- D.
  Are you still talking online and haven't met, and struggling with their slow pace to see you or live in the same city?
- E.
  You are still in an online situation, so you're not sure and haven't faced too many difficult conversations, but you do have a set plan for one of you to move to other person's city on a set date on the calendar
11.
The Power Struggle Phase and Conflicts
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- A.
  When they are in the wrong in a conflict, do they blame the problem on you?
- B.
  When they are in the wrong in a conflict, do they not want to talk about it at first, but maybe later say sorry?
- C.
  When they are in the wrong in a conflict, do they become stubborn and unreceptive to feedback, and maybe later say sorry?
- D.
  We didn't reach the power struggle phase because we weren't together long
- E.
  When they are in the wrong in a conflict, they apologize.
- F.
  We are long distance and haven't had too many issues. Maybe in person it will be a different story.
- G.
  They never say sorry, however they can't handle conflict and never want to talk about issues, regardless of who is in the wrong.
12.
The Power Struggle Phase Competition: How Does Your Partner React When Good Things Happen to You?
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- A.
  My partner has a hard time complimenting me and difficulty being excited
- B.
  My partner is not overly expressive with excitement or compliments about most things
- C.
  My partner ignores my success. Sometimes, I feel they are envious or resentful
- D.
  My partner is really happy for me and wants to celebrate me :)
- E.
  It's still in an online phase and I am still learning about my partner in this situation, so I can't say for sure
- F.
  They are not my partner, and we haven't exactly reached this stage, although we are intimate. In general, they are happy for me
- G.
  They are not my partner, and we haven't exactly reached this stage, although we are intimate. In general, they seem to struggle with giving me credit
13.
How does your partner/romantic interest respond to constructive feedback?
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- A.
  They're pretty mature at receiving feedback actually!
- B.
  They become very defensive and act like all the problems are my fault. In their opinion, they can do no wrong.
- C.
  They seem sensitive and can can be a bit defensive, but I know they take it on board.
- D.
  They often change the subject and don't want to bring it up again.
- E.
  They argue with me and turn simple conversations into a fight where I am always to blame. I give up in order to keep the peace.
- F.
  We're not at a stage where I've had to give them a lot of feedback, or vice versa.

Quiz Outcomes

1.
It seems likely that you're with an avoidant (or broke up with one)
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It seems like your relationship shows hallmark patterns of dating an avoidant:They need distance and/or alone time the more they emotionally invest in the relationship. Quality time can feel like it's increasing at a stuttered or snail pace. And they can struggle to problem solve when they receive constructive feedback about themselves and how they show up in the relationship. They can also be defensive or shut down when it comes to hard conversations. It can be pretty frustrating being with an avoidant, especially if they are extremely DA, which can feel stifling, or an extremely avoidant-leaning FA, which can feel very up-and-down. The most important thing in a dynamic with an avoidant is to not lose yourself or go too far down the rabbit hole of learning about their attachment where you are SO PREOCCUPIED with playing detective about their childhood, their subconscious mind and climbing into their brain.Don't abandon your needs. Speak up for your needs in the relationship and try to have conversations where the two of you can both better learn how to meet in the middle and compromise regarding each other's differences. Try to always use supportive language instead of blaming and shaming language. So instead of saying something like: "You're so selfish for not spending more time with me." Try communicating a specific, small, compromise so they don't feel overwhelmed or overreact because the request is too vague for them. So instead of asking for more time, ask if they're available to hang out on a day of the week where you know they tend to have availability. For example:"It would be nice if we could see each other more on Thursdays since we're both free after work--we can finally binge that new Ripley series you were talking about." If that doesn't work for them, suggest another day that might. But if they never want to compromise, that's not a good sign that they are an avoidant capable of evolution. Do you really want to be with someone like that? Don't let your insecure attachment brainwash you that you do. So if you find yourself doing all the compromise, or notice that they say they'll compromise on things, but constantly don't end up doing those compromises, that's when you need to be honest with yourself that the dynamics aren't fair, and maybe it's time to move on. Hopefully, if you have an avoidant with secure traits in their patterns, they are more willing to compromise and grow together. But if not, and it's KILLING YOU, there are hundreds of other secure people on the market who would kill to date you.
2.
This sounds like a casual sexual hook-up situation dynamic thing
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Securely attached and avoidant attached people can typically accept patterns of something that is casual, and they don't mind because they can compartmentalize sex from a more emotional attachment when they recognize that there is a lack of compatibility with someone that they are physically attracted to. More anxious leaning attachers on the other hand can have a harder time being sexually intimate soon into a connection without wanting that to grow into something more serious, even when there is a lack of compatibility.Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and learn to accept that it's absolutely normal that someone people are happy to have a casual sexual dynamic and it stay casual, but YOU'RE NOT. That doesn't mean they're an asshole, or they have a personality disorder or attachment issues.You must take accountability for the fact that you signed up for a sexual dynamic early without a growing commitment or milestones of a developing relationship, which often signals to the other person that you are okay with casual sex too. You were both making assumptions about the other based on your actions, so the best thing you can do is remind yourself that there is someone more compatible for you out there. If you can't handle the casual dynamic, walk away, and moving forward, remember that about yourself--that casual sex is too triggering for you. Then as you put yourself back on the market for dating, take your time. Don't become sexually intimate until you truly have gauged over a month or two that the person you're dating is continuing in the same intention as you, someone who wants a committed type of love and companionship.
3.
Manipulator, Love Bomber or Highly Disregulated FA
A random online quiz can't say for sure what's going in your romantic life, but based on the patterns you describe:It sounds like you could be involved with some type of manipulator--usually someone with cluster b personality disorder traits, such as a narcissist or a sociopath.A manipulator could also be a romance scammer... someone who quickly pretends to have strong feelings for you in order to get financial benefits from your gullibility, or other things like a free place to stay or a borrowed car to drive.This person could also be a Fearful Avoidant that is very disregulated and has jarringly inconsistent behaviors that create that intermittent reinforcement dynamic.Whatever it is, you have to break this cycle of emotionally investing in people so soon when they are either inconsistent, or they are being over the top in the beginning with grand gestures or professions of love. Be wary of future faking as well... this is when someone talks about big decisions VERY early on into dating you, like moving in together, engagement, marriage, vacations, etc.Most important, you need to work on healing your attachment trauma and/or CPTSD that makes you think that you should accept relationships like this.
4.
It sounds like a case of you like them more than they like you
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And that's okay. It happens. Dating is a numbers game. We won't be compatible with everyone. Not everyone will like us as much as we like them. Not everyone will want to date you for more than 1 or 2 months.So whether they were never that into something serious with you from the beginning or they came to the realization while dating you that they aren't feeling compatible with you or the chemistry is missing for them..THEY JUST AREN'T THAT INTO YOU. You have to be honest with yourself that maybe you have unrequited feelings for someone who just isn't reciprocating your feelings. And you have to respect their boundary of not wanting a relationship.That doesn't make them a bad guy. That doesn't mean they have a personality disorder or an attachment style you have to sleuth out. It doesn't matter what someone's diagnosis is if they simply don't want a relationship with you because compatibility is missing for them. But when we have insecure attachment, we can hitch our wagon to someone because we think this is our best chance at a relationship or it's going to be hard to find someone you like as much as you liked this person. That is your subconscious scarcity mindset talking. It prevents you from trusting that there are MANY more people out there for you that are more compatible with you.You should only want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. It's truly that simple. Don't waste your emotional energy on someone who is just not that into you, when you can just accept it and open your calendar up to meet someone more compatible for you and experience reciprocal love.There are hundreds of other people on the market who would kill to date you and are looking for reciprocal love too.
5.
Online Distance Wild Wild West Mess
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I always say online distance relationships and situationships are like the wild wild west of romance.Why?Because it's a lawless land where it's hard to be physically present with what your online companion is doing all day when they're not in their virtual environment with you. These relationships can be very confusing and full of illusions of an idea of someone. That's why people with attachment issues feel safe with them, because they don't require the in-person boundaries, standards and compromises of a REAL relationship. ...Unless the two parties involved are truly in love and working towards living in the same place with a set game plan and deadline to make that happen--the ULTIMATE COMPROMISE of true love.But based on your answers, it doesn't seem like the two of you have established a committed relationship where you are both being serious, determined and proactive to be in the same city in a real relationship with real quality time as soon as possible. Also, things seem to be quite stagnant in your situation, like a broken down car on the side of the road. I know that's harsh, but..When I was in an online long distance relationship, my boyfriend moved heaven and earth to get me to his country by helping me find a job there and a house to stay in, while I saved money every month to move to his country. We were both on the same exact page and SERIOUS about each other and in love, and so many online distance relationships that turn into real committed relationships have these actions and commitment stages. I can't say for sure if your person is avoidant and that’s why they keep telling you they’re busy with work. Maybe they have a spouse or relationship that they are seeking emotional or internet sexual companionship outside of, and that's why they are inconsistent and seem to be checked out constantly. Who knows!! All I know is, there is enough neglect that you should not settle for this dynamic by wanting to believe the person is avoidant and obsessing over what you can do about it. There’s someone out there that will go on dates with you, not cancel on you, walk down the street holding your hand while they spend weekends with you. The sooner you cut loose this wild Wild West online distance thing, the sooner you can be in a place emotionally to meet someone who will match your desire to be in a REAL relationship.

Are You Dating an Avoidant (or Were You)?

This is a somewhat in depth quiz that might take you 3-4 minutes. Answer honestly if you want the best advice for how to handle your specific situation!

Quiz Questions

Quiz Outcomes