4.
Your child’s attachment style is… Disorganized
Is your child's behavior completely unpredictable? If they don’t cope easily, you can't seem to comfort them and calm them down or they seem confused around you or another caregiver, they could have disorganized attachment.A child may have a disorganized attachment style when they appear to be disoriented by their parent's presence. They may seem confused and have no strategy to help them get across what they need to their caregiver.The caregiver of a child with a disorganized attachment style may seem to frighten the child who appears apprehensive by their presence.What to look out for in a child with Disorganized attachment...Parents might recognize disorganized attachment in their child if they seem constantly on edge.They may consistently crave the attention of their parents or caregivers but then frightfully respond to that attention. Parents might also note their child responds to their presence with tears, avoidance, or another fearful response.Children with disorganized attachment are often distressed when their parents leave, but they remain distressed when they return. They both crave and fear their parents.Parents who foster a disorganized attachment in their children often respond to their distress without the calm, soothing temperament that would foster a secure attachment.They may also send mixed signals: one moment soothing, the next angry or overwhelmed.Instead of attending to their child’s needs, they might respond to their child’s fear or distress by:laughing at a child’s fears or tearsyelling at a child to stop cryingsometimes responding to a child’s cries, but ignoring them for long periods at other timesbriefly soothing a child before losing patience and yelling or intimidating the childmocking a child in distressNo parent tries to create these responses in their child, but often we unthinkingly mimic the parenting styles of our own parents, without realizing that they were harmful the first time around, and don’t get any better with repetition. It’s important to seek outside help when trying to overcome harmful intergenerational habits. Only by addressing the patterns that created the disorganized attachment in your family can you work to correct them.The real, true focus is that of respecting children -- even newborns -- as people with valid and complex emotions, who need respect, understanding, and love.“The level of cooperation parents get from their children is usually equal to the level of connection children feel with their parents.” – Pam LeoFrom Disorganized to SecureHow to Help Your Child Feel Safe to be Themselves1. Structure. A predictable daily routine is essential to your child's development, helping her feel more secure and more able to deal with change. Stick to a schedule, and designate proper places to play or do homework, and help your kid keep her room organized. These will help calm fears of the unknown and chaos, fostering a more secure attachment style. This dimension works well for overactive, disorganized, resistant or overstimulated children.2. Engagement.Plan fun group games and activities that promote interaction with your child, such as Monopoly or Sorry. Encourage your child to participate with you and her peers. All children need engagement, but these exercises can particularly benefit kids with insecure avoidant or withdrawn attachment styles.3. Nurture.Hugging, kissing and affectionate environments help your child feel loved and valued. You can often improve your child's attachment just by turning up the dial on your "nurture meter." Nurturing activities promote a calm, predictable and safe environment to help kids relax. 4. Challenge.Challenging activities are fantastic for drawing out more timid or rigid children. Securely attached children are natural explorers, and often take risks—usually while we hold our breaths and cross our fingers for their safety! While jumping off the back of the couch isn't always the best idea, learning to take mild, age-appropriate risks—such as playing a new instrument, or joining a sports team—is part of growing up. This helps foster confidence and independence.Attachment and YouHey there, I’m Dr. Asha Powell, Child Psychologist, Parental Coach, and Best Selling Author of “Attachment and Your Child.”It’s my dream to help every parent nurture healthy relationships with their children early on, so they can get the best start on building a life of resilience and happiness.Learning about your child’s attachment style can bring great clarity to the boundaries you need with your child – and every child brings its own unique challenges.I believe by healing our own attachment wounds, we make ourselves better parents for the next generation. I’ve been a guest on many podcasts, including “Heal Your Child” and “Healing Attachment,” and you can find my new book, “Attachment and Your Child,” wherever books are sold.Secure CommunityHere are some resources to help you with the challenges that come with being a parent.1. Check out my Youtube Channel, Family Matters. You’ll find videos to help you understand your child’s behaviors, the root causes of their struggles, and how you can adapt your parenting style to help your child grow into a healthy adult.2. Feeling like you’re alone in your parenting struggles? Join me on Facebook, where I’ve created a support group for parents to share their struggles in a judgement free zone. I’ll also be sharing some parenting hacks and security building exercises.3. Don’t know where to begin but know that your child is struggling to form healthy attachments? Book a consultation with me and we’ll not only determine what’s holding your child back, but how to heal your own trauma so it doesn’t negatively impact your family.Stay connectedHead on over to your inbox to grab the free attachment guide I’ve created to help you create security for your child.Over the next few days, I'll be sharing more parenting psychology tips and tricks to help you create love and security in your relationship with your child.“A person’s a person, no matter how small.”— Dr. Seuss
