Which Shadow Pattern Is Secretly Keeping You Stuck?

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Quiz Questions

1.
When you're under pressure, your instinct is to...
- A.
  Power through by staying busy and productive—even if you’re running on empty.
- B.
  Avoid or postpone the hard stuff, and focus on something easier or more comfortable instead
- C.
  Keep pushing forward while still trying to meet everyone else’s needs
- D.
  Take over and manage all the moving parts yourself—it feels safer than relying on others
- E.
  Agonize over the details and try to make everything just right
2.
You often find yourself thinking...
- A.
  “If I don’t stay on top of everything, it will fall apart.”
- B.
  “I should be doing more.”
- C.
  “I’ll deal with it later… it’s too overwhelming right now.”
- D.
  “This still isn’t good enough.”
- E.
  “I just don’t want to let anyone down.”
3.
You tend to feel most uncomfortable when...
- A.
  You’re not making progress—or no one notices what you’ve accomplished
- B.
  You can’t meet your own high standards
- C.
  Someone is upset with you or disapproves of your choices
- D.
  You’re asked to face something emotionally hard or uncertain
- E.
  Things feel chaotic or out of your control
4.
Other people often describe you as...
- A.
  Precise, responsible, and detail-oriented
- B.
  Organized, capable, and the one who gets things done
- C.
  Driven, successful, and always juggling a lot
- D.
  Easygoing, calm, and laid-back.
- E.
  Kind, generous, and always there for others
5.
What tends to get in your way when trying to make a big change?
- A.
  You avoid making the decision altogether—it feels too overwhelming
- B.
  You try to manage everything yourself and end up exhausted or burned out
- C.
  You push through but don’t stop to reflect on what you actually want—or fear being seen as failing
- D.
  You stay in motion, even when you’re exhausted—afraid that slowing down means falling short or being seen as less capable.
- E.
  You worry that making the change will seem selfish or upset someone who depends on you.
6.
If you really slowed down, you're afraid...
- A.
  You’d have to face feelings or truths you’ve been avoiding.
- B.
  You’d fall behind—or others might see you as less capable
- C.
  Nothing would get done the “right” way and you'd feel like a failure.
- D.
  People might get upset, disappointed, or no longer need you
- E.
  Everything would unravel—and you’d be left trying to manage the chaos.
7.
When it comes to your own needs and desires, you usually...
- A.
  Push them aside so you can focus on others first
- B.
  Avoid looking too closely—it feels easier not to know
- C.
  Measure them against how “successful” they’ll make you appear
- D.
  Try to perfect them before acting on them
- E.
  Focus on controlling the outcome to feel safe
8.
Deep down, what feels most threatening to you?
- A.
  Being judged as selfish or unkind
- B.
  Failing and being “found out”
- C.
  Losing control of the situation if you let go
- D.
  Falling behind or being seen as incapable
- E.
  Feeling exposed in emotional or vulnerable moments — or facing truths you’ve kept hidden.
9.
Your relationship with rest looks like…
- A.
  Hard to allow yourself—you worry things will unravel
- B.
  You only allow rest after doing everything you said you would for others — even when you’re already running on empty.
- C.
  You feel guilty or restless if you’re not accomplishing something
- D.
  You drift into distraction or over-rest as a way of avoiding what feels heavy.
- E.
  You can’t relax until everything is “just right”
10.
The story you most often tell yourself is…
- A.
  I have to be needed to be loved.
- B.
  If I don’t do it exactly right, it’s a failure.
- C.
  If I don’t stay on top of it, it will all fall apart.
- D.
  If I slow down, I’ll lose my edge.
- E.
  If I don’t look at it, I won’t have to deal with it.
11.
At the end of the day, you measure yourself most by…
- A.
  How much you got done.
- B.
  Whether people liked or approved of you.
- C.
  Whether everything was done “right.”
- D.
  Whether things stayed under control.
- E.
  Whether you avoided stress or conflict.
12.
The feeling that comes up most often for you is…
- A.
  Guilt.
- B.
  Restlessness.
- C.
  Anxiety/worry.
- D.
  Shame about not being good enough.
- E.
  Numbness or wanting to escape.

Quiz Outcomes

1.
The Perfectionist
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Driven by a fear of making mistakes, the Perfectionist obsesses over details—leading to paralysis, procrastination, and relentless self-criticism.She holds herself to impossible standards—replaying mistakes, overworking, and pushing herself harder than anyone else ever would. On the outside, she looks composed and capable. On the inside, she lives with constant pressure, second-guessing, and a quiet fear of not being enough.She often believes there’s a right way and a wrong way—and she knows which is which. Though she may not mean to, her critical eye can create tension in relationships—leaving others feeling judged or like they’re always falling short. Beneath the polished exterior, frustration simmers—both with herself and with others who don’t meet her standards.This pattern once helped her succeed—earning praise, avoiding criticism, staying in control. For many Perfectionists, order once created safety—by calming family chaos or winning approval through excellence. But over time, it becomes exhausting. She delays action, fears visibility, and finds it hard to rest without guilt.The shift begins when she reconnects with her self-worth and trusts her inner compass. Then, her drive becomes a gift—not a burden.She moves forward with more ease, creativity, and impact—rooted in self-trust instead of fear. And when she extends the same grace to others that she’s learning to offer herself, her relationships soften. Deepen. Heal.Your gift? An impeccable sense of order, beauty, and excellence—when rooted in self-trust—has the power to elevate everything you touch. Not through pressure or perfection… but through presence, clarity, and care.Note: This is just your dominant pattern. We all carry several that interact. In coaching, I help women uncover the full constellation shaping their lives—and explore the deeper gifts behind each one.→ Ready to bring your brilliance forward—without burning out?Download your free Midlife Reconnection Guide: 5 Questions to Connect with What’s Calling You Now.It's a soulful, 30-minute guide to help you pause, reconnect with what matters, and hear what’s calling you forward.
2.
The People Pleaser
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Consumed by care for others, the People-Pleaser loses touch with her own needs—leading to self-abandonment, resentment, and difficulty speaking her truth.She prides herself on being kind, generous, and supportive. She anticipates everyone’s needs, smooths over conflict, and works hard to keep the peace. But beneath that warmth is often a fear—of rejection, of being seen as selfish, of not being “good.”Over time, she may start to feel invisible or underappreciated—unsure where others end and she begins. Saying no feels risky. Disappointing someone feels unbearable. So she keeps giving, even when she’s depleted.(I often call this type the Over-Responsible Caregiver—because it’s not just about keeping people happy. It’s about carrying everyone else’s needs at the expense of your own.)This pattern once helped her succeed—earning approval, creating harmony, making others feel safe. But it also leaves her disconnected from her own desires. Exhausted. Unsure of what she truly wants.The truth is: the People-Pleaser has a natural attunement to others. When she begins to prioritize self-connection and set healthy boundaries, her empathy becomes a gift instead of a burden.She is able to build authentic relationships rooted in mutual respect, not silent sacrifice.Your gift? A deep capacity for empathy and connection. When rooted in self-trust and boundaries, this gift allows you to nurture others without losing yourself.Note: This is just your dominant pattern. We all carry several that interact. In coaching, I help women uncover the full constellation shaping their lives—and explore the deeper gifts behind each one.→ You’ve spent so much energy taking care of everyone else. Now it’s your turn.Download your free Midlife Reconnection Guide: 5 Questions to Connect with What’s Calling You Now.It's a soulful, 30-minute guide to help you pause, reconnect with what matters, and hear what’s calling you forward.
3.
The Controller
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Haunted by the fear of losing control, the Controller clings tightly to responsibility—overextending herself and often pushing others away in the process.Driven by a deep need for safety and certainty, she takes charge of everything. She stays three steps ahead. She gets it done.But beneath the capable exterior is a quiet fear:“If I let go, everything will fall apart.”She often feels the weight of the world on her shoulders. She micromanages details, struggles to delegate, and carries a constant undercurrent of stress. Though she appears powerful, she often doubts the very authority others see in her—leading her to grip even tighter for control.Sometimes she even connects through push, challenge, or intensity—without realizing that others may experience it as pressure, criticism, or even intimidation. What she intends as “getting the job done” can leave others feeling smaller, hesitant, or resentful.This pattern once helped her survive—by bringing order to chaos, ensuring safety, and protecting her from being hurt or let down. For many Controllers, this began early: needing to grow up fast, take charge, or decide never to be that vulnerable again. But over time, what was once strength becomes a cage. She feels isolated. Reactive. Burdened by over-responsibility.And yet—at her core, she is a natural leader.When she begins to soften her grip and open to support, her leadership transforms. She becomes grounded. Collaborative. Clear. She leads not from fear, but from presence and trust.In doing so, she discovers a deeper kind of power:One rooted in spaciousness, flow, and mutual respect.Your gift? The ability to lead with clarity and confidence. When rooted in presence rather than fear, your leadership empowers others, invites trust, and creates space for true collaboration.Note: This is just your dominant pattern. We all carry several that interact. In coaching, I help women uncover the full constellation shaping their lives—and explore the deeper gifts behind each one.→ What if letting go created more impact—not less?Download your free Midlife Reconnection Guide: 5 Questions to Connect with What’s Calling You Now.It's a soulful, 30-minute guide to help you pause, reconnect with what matters, and hear what’s calling you forward.
4.
The Avoider
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Overwhelmed by inner pressure and the fear of discomfort, the Avoider sidesteps what feels hard—procrastinating, deflecting, or distracting herself with busyness.On the outside, she might appear calm, chill, or “go with the flow.”But inside, there’s a quiet hum of anxiety.She avoids conflict. Says yes when she wants to say no. Downplays problems and tells herself, “It’s not worth it—I’d rather not make a scene.”This pattern once helped her survive—by protecting her from conflict, sparing others’ feelings, or helping her hold onto peace in a tense environment. But over time, it becomes costly:Procrastination and avoidance create hidden stress.Conflicts are never truly resolved, leaving relationships feeling superficial.Suppressed anger builds into quiet resentment.Deep down, the Avoider longs for more than “keeping the peace.” She wants real connection, clarity, and the courage to face what matters.When she learns to meet discomfort with presence and honesty, her natural steadiness becomes a superpower.She brings calm to chaos. Clarity to confusion. She is a natural peacemaker who helps others feel safe—without abandoning herself.Her peace is no longer something she protects through avoidance—It becomes something she earns through honesty.Your gift? A calm, steady presence that can hold space for others. When rooted in courage, this gift allows you to transform conflict into connection and discomfort into growth.Note: This is just your dominant pattern. We all carry several that interact. In coaching, I help women uncover the full constellation shaping their lives—and explore the deeper gifts behind each one.→ The good news? You don’t need to do anything dramatic—just one step toward yourself at a time.Download your free Midlife Reconnection Guide: 5 Questions to Connect with What’s Calling You Now.It's a soulful, 30-minute guide to help you pause, reconnect with what matters, and hear what’s calling you forward.
5.
The Hyper-Acheiver
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Defined by external success, the Hyper-Achiever ties her worth to her performance—always chasing the next goal, accomplishment, or recognition.She is productive, driven, admired.She’s built a life that others look up to.But on the inside? She often feels restless, anxious, or empty—like nothing she does is ever quite enough.She moves quickly from one achievement to the next, rarely pausing to reflect or feel fulfilled. Rest feels unproductive. Vulnerability feels risky. And joy? That’s saved for “someday”—once the next thing is checked off the list.She fears slowing down, being seen as ordinary, or not living up to expectations.This pattern once helped her succeed—through focus, results, and high standards. But over time, it disconnects her from who she really is… and what she actually wants.The shift begins when she lets go of the need to prove. Her drive becomes purposeful.She creates from authenticity, not obligation.She learns to savor—not just strive.And she begins to live her life for her—not for the applause.Your gift? A natural ability to focus, execute, and inspire others through your example. When rooted in authenticity instead of performance, this gift allows you to create impact without sacrificing joy or connection.Note: This is just your dominant pattern. We all carry several that interact. In coaching, I help women uncover the full constellation shaping their lives—and explore the deeper gifts behind each one.→ What if you didn’t have to choose between success and joy?Download your free Midlife Reconnection Guide: 5 Questions to Connect with What’s Calling You Now.It's a soulful, 30-minute guide to help you pause, reconnect with what matters, and hear what’s calling you forward.