What’s Your Self-Abandonment Style? Find out how you’re leaking your energy and how to get it back.

Quiz Questions

• 1.
  Before the day even really begins, I often feel…

  • A.
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    Like my whole body is clenched, shoulders tight, stomach knotted, waiting for something to go wrong.
  • B.
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    Like I’m putting on a mask, already planning how to keep everyone comfortable.
  • C.
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    I woke up already exhausted. I feel like I’m carrying a backpack full of bricks, knowing I’ll be the one holding it all together.
  • D.
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    Like I’m gearing up for a tug-of-war, expecting to have to defend my boundaries all day.
  • E.
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    I don't know.
• 2.
  When a friend, coworker, or family member asks for something I really don’t have the time or energy for, I usually…

  • A.
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    Push back or get tense because I feel like they should already know my limits.
  • B.
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    Give a soft “no,” then launch into why so they won’t think badly of me.
  • C.
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    Pretend I might be able to, then hope they forget.
  • D.
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    Say “sure” and figure I’ll deal with the stress later.
  • E.
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    I don't know.
• 3.
  What happens to your body when you even think about saying no...

  • A.
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    It feels heavy, like I’m already carrying everyone’s disappointment.
  • B.
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    It fizzes with guilt. My heart races, shoulders tense, mind spins.
  • C.
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    It clenches. My chest tightens, my breath gets shallow, and I get nauseous.
  • D.
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    It gets tense and I get reactive. I puff up and I get defensive because they should know my boundaries.
  • E.
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    I don't know.
• 4.
  When I think about asking for what I really want or need, I often…

  • A.
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    I’m terrified that my needs will lead to rejection or abandonment.
  • B.
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    Worry my needs will interfere with the needs of my family. Everything will fall apart without me.
  • C.
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    Feel frustrated and defeated before I’ve even spoken. I'm already bracing for them not to listen.
  • D.
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    Suppress my feelings then think I'm selfish for having needs and ruminate on the worst-case scenario.
  • E.
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    I don't know.
• 5.
  How much of your life is by choice and how much is by default?

  • A.
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    DEFAULT. I feel like I’m walking a tightrope or eggshells. It feels safer to let others make my choices.
  • B.
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    DEFAULT. I let my partner, friends, or coworkers make the plans, from where we go to how we spend the day, just to keep the peace.
  • C.
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    DEFAULT. I let others make decisions because I don't trust myself. I'm just waiting for them to change before I can fully live my life.
  • D.
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    DEFAULT. I've been putting off things I’ve wanted for years. Trips, hobbies, career moves, you name it. I have to because everyone needs me and I’m afraid everything will collapse if I don’t devote my life to my family.
  • E.
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    I don't know.
• 6.
  In my platonic and romantic relationships, I often…

  • A.
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    Scan everyone's body language so I can step in to smooth things over or solve everyone's problems if necessary. They need me.
  • B.
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    Keep mental score of times people crossed my boundaries but rarely address it directly.
  • C.
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    I don't express my opinions. Then I stay silently resentful.
  • D.
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    Bite my tongue, laugh off comments that sting, or quietly fade out of the moment so I don’t rock the boat.
  • E.
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    I don't know.
• 7.
  When I notice what I need or want, I usually…

  • A.
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    I convince myself I’ll get to it after everyone else is taken care of.
  • B.
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    I push my needs to the side because it's pointless since I'll just be disappointed.
  • C.
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    What are needs?!
  • D.
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    I tell myself 'later' then quickly shift my focus to something else.
  • E.
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    I don't know.
• 8.
  The feeling that shows up most often for me is...

  • A.
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    Anxiety or unease that I can’t shake.
  • B.
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    Resentment from giving so much without getting anything in return, not even appreciation.
  • C.
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    Guilt or like I'm in trouble. Even when I haven’t done anything wrong.
  • D.
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    Frustration when people don’t follow through or respect what I’ve said.
  • E.
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    I don't know.
• 9.
  When I picture waking up and moving through my day with peace, energy, and an authentic life that’s actually mine…

  • A.
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    It's hard to imagine walking into a room without feeling guilty and preparing to shrink. With the right support, I think I’m ready to try.
  • B.
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    I get excited because I finally learned what boundaries are when I completed, "F*ck You Politely: How to Set Boundaries with Grace.
  • C.
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    I picture myself expressing my needs without clenching with anxiety. I want to feel that kind of ease, but I don't know where to start.
  • D.
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    I imagine finally letting people handle their own mess without stepping in and feeling okay while letting it play out. I wish I had someone to show me how.
  • E.
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    I don't know.

Quiz Outcomes

• 1.
  Guilt-Ridden Ghost

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  Guilt-Ridden GhostYou disappear when things get uncomfortable. Not just from other people, you’ve been disappearing from yourself.You convince yourself you’re avoiding drama, but deep down, you’re avoiding the possibility of rejection. Every “it’s fine” you swallow is a little more of your energy leaking out.First Step: Start noticing the exact moment you go quiet, change the subject, or feel yourself check out, that’s your self-abandonment buzzer going off. When it does, pause and ask yourself: What do I need right now to feel supported? Anxiety is self-abandonment to avoid abandonment, mixed with non-acceptance of what is. Meeting your need in that moment, instead of ghosting yourself, is how you stop the energy leak. My 9 video self-paced boundaries course, F*ck You Politely: How to Set Boundaries with Grace will teach you all of the skills necessary to set boundaries without GUILT.
• 2.
  Walking Apology

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  Walking ApologyYour default setting is “sorry.” You scan every room for tension like it’s your job, then twist yourself into knots to smooth it over. You were taught that your value lives in keeping everyone else calm. You aren’t just saying “sorry” - you’re saying, please tolerate me, I’ll make myself smaller if it keeps you happy. Your existence isn't anything to be sorry about. First Step: For one week, ban the word “sorry” unless you actually harmed someone. The second you feel the urge, take one slow, deep breath before speaking. Then replace it with “thank you for…” (e.g., “Thank you for waiting” instead of “Sorry I’m late”). This rewires your nervous system to stop begging for safety that you can give yourself.My 9 video self-paced boundaries course, F*ck You Politely: How to Set Boundaries with Grace will teach you all of the skills necessary to set boundaries without GUILT.
• 3.
  Self-Abandoning Superhero

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  Self-Abandoning SuperheroYou swoop in and fix everything, not because you’re just “helpful,” but because it feels unsafe to let things be messy. It doesn't feel safe not to be needed. You carry other people’s weight until you’re drained and resentful… then you turn that resentment back on yourself.The problem is, you’ve blurred the line between what’s yours and what’s theirs. You are responsible for your behavior, your choices, your needs, and your emotions and they are responsible for theirs. When you take over their responsibilities, you’re stopping them from growing because you think you’re more competent than they are. It actually harms them when you take away their choices by prohibiting their growth. And while you’re busy running their life, you’re avoiding your own.First Step: The moment you feel that pull to “handle it,” pause and ask: Who's responsibility is this mine or theirs? This is task separation. Only say yes to what’s yours. Let them manage their own consequences, good or bad. Discomfort won’t kill you, but over-functioning will.My 9 video self-paced boundaries course, F*ck You Politely: How to Set Boundaries with Grace will teach you all of the skills necessary to set boundaries without GUILT.
• 4.
  Boundary Dabbler

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  Boundary DabblerYou say you have boundaries, but they are really just rules you hope other people will follow so you don’t have to change. You're not ready to make the decision to remove people from your life. Boundaries are need protectors. If you don't know you're needs, you're likely trying to control the behavior of those everyone you. Without proper boundaries you’re, letting them drain your energy without even knowing it. Boundaries protect your peace and energy. Your triggers can show you a lot about what is in your subconscious. When we judge others, we're actually judging ourselves. The mirror method helps you see what's under the hood.First Step: Try the Mirror Method1. The moment you think you know what someone’s thinking about you — or believe they’ve “made” you feel a certain way — immediately assume it’s actually your own belief or feeling about yourself.2. Ask yourself: Where am I doing this to myself, right now or in the past?3. Notice if this feeling is a familiar, addictive emotional pattern.4. Meet that part of yourself with compassion, grace, and acceptance. Then ask: What need isn’t being met, and how can I meet it myself?People show us the parts of ourselves we haven’t fully healed. Once you can spot this, you can stop reacting to them and start setting boundaries that actually protect your peace. You are not a victim — you’re being given an opportunity to release suppressed emotions.My 9 video self-paced boundaries course, F*ck You Politely: How to Set Boundaries with Grace will teach you all of the skills necessary to set boundaries without GUILT.