Are You the Pursuer or Withdrawer in Conflict?

Quiz Questions

• 1.
  When your partner seems emotionally distant, what do you most often do first?

  • A.
    Check in once with a calm question, then wait to see how they respond.
  • B.
    Give them space and avoid bringing it up so you both can calm down.
  • C.
    Reach out repeatedly until they respond, asking what is wrong.
  • D.
    Sometimes I press harder, other times I shut down, depending on how I feel.
• 2.
  If your partner criticizes you and you feel misunderstood, how do you usually react?

  • A.
    I might alternate between defending myself and then withdrawing to cool off.
  • B.
    Ask for a pause, then come back to the topic when calmer.
  • C.
    Withdraw, go quiet, and avoid arguing further.
  • D.
    Try to correct them and explain your side right away.
• 3.
  When you feel rejected or not prioritized, what is your instinct?

  • A.
    Pull back emotionally and focus on other activities for a while.
  • B.
    Sometimes I reach out, other times I need space, depending on the situation.
  • C.
    Call or text to get reassurance and clarify what happened.
  • D.
    Name the feeling and ask for a specific time to talk so you both can prepare.
• 4.
  During an argument that feels emotionally overwhelming, what do you tend to do?

  • A.
    Keep pushing for resolution until the issue is addressed.
  • B.
    Shut down, stop talking, or leave the room to protect myself.
  • C.
    Ask for a short break to calm down and agree on a time to continue.
  • D.
    My responses vary: sometimes I escalate, sometimes I withdraw, often within the same fight.
• 5.
  If your partner asks for space when you need connection, how do you usually feel and act?

  • A.
    I try to negotiate a short, specific break so we both know when to reconnect.
  • B.
    Sometimes I comply with the space, other times I chase them until they engage.
  • C.
    Relieved, and I honor their request while protecting my own emotions quietly.
  • D.
    Frustrated, and I try to convince them to talk or stay present.
• 6.
  When you feel criticized or blamed, what do you most often say to yourself?

  • A.
    I should protect myself, I do not want to make it worse by arguing.
  • B.
    I need to fix this now, or they might leave or stop caring.
  • C.
    I am feeling triggered, I will take a breath and return when calmer.
  • D.
    I oscillate between 'fix it now' and 'I need to shut down' depending on how intense it feels.
• 7.
  How do you try to reconnect after a fight?

  • A.
    Sometimes I apologize and reach out, other times I want to be left alone for longer.
  • B.
    Wait until you feel ready, and come back when you can be calm and present.
  • C.
    Offer a small check-in and invite a longer conversation when both are settled.
  • D.
    Send messages, ask to talk, or plan ways to make things right quickly.
• 8.
  When your partner asks you to change a behavior that bothers them, how do you usually respond?

  • A.
    Sometimes I accept and act, other times I shut down and resist, depending on how safe I feel.
  • B.
    Try to discuss it immediately and show that you are trying to change.
  • C.
    Feel criticized and retreat, needing time before engaging with that request.
  • D.
    Acknowledge their request, ask for examples, and set a time to work on it together.
• 9.
  When emotions are high, what helps you feel safe enough to stay connected?

  • A.
    Immediate reassurance and your partner stepping toward the issue with you.
  • B.
    A mix of a short pause, then a gentle, scheduled check-in where both listen.
  • C.
    Predictable space, calm boundaries, and a promise to return to the conversation.
  • D.
    Sometimes I need reassurance, other times I need distance; I benefit when both are offered.

Quiz Outcomes

• 1.
  The Pursuer

  Image Source

  What you typically do: You move toward your partner when you feel disconnected, reaching out, asking questions, and often pressing for reassurance or a conversation. What you may be feeling underneath: You are often afraid of losing connection, feeling rejected, or unheard, and you try to repair the bond quickly. What you need from your partner: You need clear emotional engagement, verbal reassurance, and to know that your partner is committed to working through the issue together. How your behavior may unintentionally affect your partner: Your intensity or repeated requests can feel pressuring to someone who needs space, which can cause them to pull away. The real problem is the negative cycle, not you or your partner: the pattern keeps repeating and creates distance. To learn how to recognize and interrupt your relationship cycle, join my self-paced couples course.
• 2.
  The Withdrawer

  Image Source

  What you typically do: You step back, shut down, or go quiet when conflict rises, seeking space to protect yourself emotionally and to avoid escalation. What you may be feeling underneath: You may be overwhelmed, ashamed, or worried that saying more will make things worse, so pulling away feels safer. What you need from your partner: You need time to calm down, steady reassurance that space won’t mean abandonment, and a patient invitation to reconnect when you are ready. How your behavior may unintentionally affect your partner: Your distance can feel like rejection or indifference to a partner who wants closeness, which may trigger them to pursue more. The real problem is the negative cycle, not you or your partner: the pattern keeps both of you stuck. To learn how to recognize and interrupt your relationship cycle, join my self-paced couples course.
• 3.
  The Pursuer & Withdrawer Responder

  Image Source

  What you typically do: You respond in different ways depending on the moment, sometimes pursuing, sometimes withdrawing, and sometimes pausing to check in with yourself. What you may be feeling underneath: You feel conflicted between wanting connection and wanting to protect yourself, and you are trying to balance both needs. What you need from your partner: You need mutual curiosity, flexible communication, and help co-regulating so you can choose the healthiest response in the moment. How your behavior may unintentionally affect your partner: Inconsistency can be confusing for your partner, making it harder for them to predict whether you will engage or pull away. The real problem is the negative cycle, not you or your partner: recognizing this pattern gives you power to change it. To learn how to recognize and interrupt your relationship cycle, join my self-paced couples course.