WHAT'S YOUR BORROWED IDENTITY?

Image Source

Quiz Questions

1.
During conflict, I become focused on explaining what my spouse needs to understand, do differently, or change so the problem can be resolved.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
2.
When my spouse is upset during conflict, I quickly shift my attention from what I am feeling or needing to what I can say or do to make things better for them.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
3.
When my spouse is unhappy with me, I quickly search for what I did wrong and what I need to correct so I can get things “right” again.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
4.
When conflict with my spouse becomes tense, I tend to stop bringing up my side, become quiet, or retreat because taking up less emotional space feels safer than adding more tension.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
5.
When conflict with my spouse becomes emotionally intense, I often use humor, playfulness, distraction, or a change of subject to break the tension rather than stay with the difficult conversation.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
6.
During conflict with my spouse, I find myself mentally keeping track of everything I have sacrificed, put up with, or done for them as evidence that I am the one who has given more.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
7.
When my spouse points out something I may have done wrong or they perceive I have done wrong, admitting my part can feel like giving them power over me or confirming that I am “the problem,” so I quickly defend myself, counterattack, or point out what they have done instead.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
8.
When my spouse is stressed, hurting, or overwhelmed, I automatically rearrange my needs, plans, or priorities to take care of them—even when they haven't asked me to.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
9.
When my spouse is struggling, I feel a strong urge to give advice, find solutions, step in, or take action—even when they haven't asked for my help.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
10.
When my spouse is struggling or things in our life feel unstable, I feel pressure to be the capable, responsible one who holds everything together and makes sure things get handled correctly.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
11.
When my spouse is already stressed or struggling, I deliberately keep my own feelings and problems to myself so they don't have one more thing—or me—to be a burden to them.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
12.
When my spouse is hurting or upset, I quickly try to lift their mood, make them laugh, distract them, or find the bright side because I feel uncomfortable simply staying with their painful emotions.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
13.
When my spouse is struggling, I take on more than is really mine to carry—even when I don’t want to or it costs me—and later feel hurt or resentful when they don’t recognize what I sacrificed.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
14.
I often hold in my needs until I feel trapped, powerless, or pushed too far. Then I protect myself by pushing back, shutting the conversation down, or doing what I want rather than vulnerably explaining what is happening inside me.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
15.
When my spouse has a problem, I have difficulty focusing on my own needs or responsibilities because my mind keeps working on what they should do or how I could help fix it.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
16.
When something I need would inconvenience or disappoint my spouse, I tend to minimize it, put it off, or go without because taking care of myself feels selfish.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
17.
I have difficulty admitting to my spouse that I don't know what to do, can't handle something, or need help because I fear appearing incapable, inadequate, or like I'm failing.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
18.
Even when I need comfort or support from my spouse, I often keep it to myself or go without because I don’t want to burden them—and depending on them risks being disappointed or let down.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
19.
When I am deeply hurt or struggling, I often make light of it, joke about it, or act more okay than I really am so my spouse doesn't have to deal with the full weight of what I'm feeling.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
20.
Rather than directly asking my spouse for what I need or saying when something is too much, I tend to keep giving or enduring and hope they will eventually notice how much I am carrying and take care of me in return.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
21.
When I feel judged, rejected, or treated like I am the difficult one, I tend to harden and distance myself with an attitude of “Fine—I’ll do this on my own” rather than let my spouse see how hurt I am.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
22.
When my spouse is unhappy with me, I have a hard time letting them have their feelings without trying to soothe them, fix the situation, or change myself so we can feel connected again.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
23.
When my spouse pulls away or continues making choices I believe are unhealthy, I have difficulty stepping back and allowing them to experience the consequences without trying to intervene, persuade, remind, or help.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
24.
When my spouse is disappointed in me, even over something small, I tend to question myself, focus on what I should have done better, or work harder to prove that I am still a good wife.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
25.
When I feel overlooked or emotionally disconnected from my spouse, I tend to quietly accept it and retreat into my own world rather than pursue them, confront the disconnection, or ask for more.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
26.
When things feel tense or disconnected between my spouse and me, I tend to act playful, upbeat, or “normal” to get us feeling good again rather than directly address what is uncomfortable between us.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
27.
When I feel unappreciated by my spouse, I think about everything I have sacrificed or gone without for them and feel hurt that they don’t recognize it or give back to me in the same way.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
28.
When I feel judged, rejected, or treated like I am the difficult one, I tend to harden and distance myself with an attitude of “Fine—I’ll do this on my own” rather than let my spouse see how hurt I am.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
29.
Deep down, I feel safest and most valuable in my marriage when my spouse needs me and I am being helpful, supportive, or taking care of them.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
30.
Deep down, I feel responsible to step in when I see my spouse heading toward a problem because allowing something preventable to go wrong feels like I failed to do my part.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
31.
Deep down, I feel more worthy of my spouse's love and respect when I am capable, responsible, dependable, successful, or getting things right.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
32.
Deep down, I feel safest in my marriage when I am low-maintenance, handle myself, and don't require too much emotionally from my spouse.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
33.
Deep down, I feel safer and more lovable in my marriage when I am the fun, positive, easy-to-be-around one rather than the one bringing sadness, anger, tension, or emotional heaviness.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
34.
Deep down, part of my value in my marriage comes from being the one who sacrifices, endures, or carries more—even when I resent having to do it.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always
35.
Deep down, I fear that if I soften, compromise, depend on my spouse, or allow them to influence me, I could lose my voice, become powerless, or be trapped in a relationship where I no longer feel like myself.
Image Source
- A.
  Never
- B.
  Sometimes
- C.
  Often
- D.
  Almost Always

Quiz Outcomes

1.
YOUR BORROWED IDENTITY PROFILE
Your Borrowed Identity Profile is found in the individual scores below. Each role is measured independently out of 100, and your highest score represents the Borrowed Identity currently having the strongest influence in your life.To learn more about your individual results click "FIND OUT MORE" for each borrowed identity. YOU CAN DOWNLOAD YOUR RESULTS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.You may also have several roles with significant influence. That's because we often learn more than one way of finding safety, connection, belonging, and love.THESE RESULTS ARE NOT LABELSYour Borrowed Identity is NOT WHO YOU ARE. It represents ways you learned to connect, protect yourself, find belonging, and navigate relationships.Your scores show you where these patterns may be operating. Your next step is understanding:Why they're thereWhat beliefs are underneath themHow they're affecting your marriageWhat it looks like to begin transforming them into your God given identity!To explore all the borrowed identity and find out more about them click "YOUR BORROWED IDENTITY HUB"
2.
THE RESCUER/SAVIOR Result 1
You may have learned that it was your responsibility to notice problems and do something about them. In relationships, this can look like becoming overly focused on what another person needs to change, fix, understand, or heal. It can be difficult to watch someone struggle without stepping in, leaving you carrying responsibility for outcomes that don't actually belong to you.
3.
THE PERFECTIONIST/HERO Result 1
You may have learned that being good, capable, responsible, or getting things right was connected to your worth and belonging. In relationships, mistakes or another person's disappointment can feel deeply personal. You may overfunction, take too much responsibility, hide your struggles, or continually ask what you need to do better in order for the relationship to be okay.
4.
THE CHRONIC CARETAKER Result 1
You may have learned that connection was maintained by noticing what everyone else needed and adjusting yourself around them. In relationships, you may become highly attuned to another person's emotions while losing touch with your own needs. Their disappointment can feel threatening, causing you to accommodate, overgive, or abandon yourself to keep the relationship secure.
5.
THE REBEL Result 1
You may have learned that you had to protect your voice, choices, and independence in order to stay safe. In relationships, expectations, correction, disagreement, or another person's strong emotions can feel controlling or threatening. You may become defensive, push back, shut others out, or fight to maintain control when something inside you fears being overpowered or losing yourself.
6.
THE MASCOT Result 1
You may have learned that emotional heaviness, conflict, or pain needed to be made lighter in order for connection to feel safe. In relationships, you may minimize hurt, use humor or positivity, change the subject, or rush toward “being okay” rather than staying present with difficult emotions. Vulnerability can feel especially uncomfortable when it threatens the lightness that once helped you stay connected.
7.
THE INVISIBLE CHILD/RELIEF GIVER Result 1
You may have learned that it was safer to need less, ask for less, and handle things yourself. In relationships, you may minimize your needs, withdraw when you're hurt, or become increasingly self-reliant when someone disappoints you. Instead of risking rejection by reaching toward someone, you may protect yourself by quietly deciding, “I just won't need you.”
8.
THE VICTIM/MARTYR Result 1
You may have learned that your needs came after everyone else's and that love meant sacrificing, enduring, or carrying more than your share. In relationships, you may continue giving without clearly asking for what you need, then feel deeply unseen or resentful when others don't recognize what you've sacrificed. Over time, carrying too much can leave you feeling powerless, unappreciated, and alone.