Do you even wanna be on the Love Boat?
The single life has always seemed like the best kind of life for you! You’re super focused on your career, you have a busy social life, and you’ve never really been one to go mooning over the idea of everlasting love. So do you even want a serious relationship? For every head-over-heels chasing, Jane Austen loving, rom-com groupie – there’s a single person enjoying the benefits of doing their own thang, on their own schedule, answering to no one!There’s a freedom to being single that can be pretty hard to beat, especially if you’re lucky enough to like your own company!But all of life is a learning experience, and when you skip out on the messy entanglements of real relationships, you miss out on a few of life’s biggest learning opportunities.So while you’re definitely building strong independence, and a clearly defined identity outside of someone else, and have no doubt learned how to keep yourself happy and entertained…...you might be missing out on the opportunity to learn even more about yourself, like how deeply you’re capable of caring for someone else, and the surrender that comes from trusting someone to see your gooey, vulnerable core.So before you write-off relationships as something other people do, first consider some of the reasons why you might have decided to skip the Love Boat tour.1. You like your excuses – “I’m too busy,” “I’m focusing on my career,” “The right guy for me doesn’t exist,” or even “It’s too much effort – I just wanna do me.” These can all feel true, but are often rooted in deeper insecurities and self-limiting beliefs. We all tell ourselves stories that are a bit negatively biased, and why should our beliefs about relationships be any different? Before you reject love, look at the deeper reason why you’re so quick to pump the brakes on the Love Boat.2. You don’t want a bad relationship – Few people go into a relationship knowing it’s going to be a train-wreck, but sometimes they Crash & Burn! But if you’ve only experienced the worst of the worst, the real cause might be that you repeatedly choose the wrong partners, whose values and needs aren’t compatible with yours.3. You’ve only had poor examples of bad relationships – sometimes, it doesn’t even have to be your own relationship that gives you a bad taste in your mouth whenever you think of the L word. Having parents who constantly fought, or even worse, barely talked at all, or being close to people in toxic relationships can be enough to turn you off the idea of coupling up.But the relationships around you don’t have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy! By figuring out who you really are and what your values are you can better pick a partner who truly complements your life. And you’ll be able to define the relationship you want, on your own terms. With a few healthy compromises here and there."My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude." — Warsan ShireBefore You Flirt With LoveThere’s no manual for a perfect relationship, but there is a pretty decent checklist you can complete for yourself, before you ever add another person to your life.Before you book your tickets on the Love Boat, make sure you’ve only brought along the right baggage, if you know what I mean.Things to pack on your next Love Venture:Self-Awareness – The better that you know yourself, the better you can let someone else get to know you.Look for problematic patterns with previous partners in the past. If they’re recurring, like jealousy, insecurity, or even withdrawal, they can indicate some areas in yourself that need a bit of loving, compassionate attention.Understanding your own values will also shed some light onto where your boundaries lie. Download our Uncovering Core Values Worksheet to help you focus on what really matters to you, so you can better align your goals and boundaries to live true to those Values.Unpack the relationships you grew up with – By examining the expectations that you have based on the relationships that you observed growing up, it can be easy to see some of the patterns that you unknowingly took on.But just because it’s what you grew up with, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best way to do it. Consider how your parents resolved conflicts, how your siblings expressed anger, how you shared your secrets with trusted friends, how you show love, and receive love.Your next partner has their very own set of personal experiences informing their approach to your relationship, so try not to take it too personally if they don’t immediately know how you expect to be treated.Healthy relationships are complicated and ever evolving, so commit to the work of figuring out the learned behaviors that are outdated and no longer serving you. Download the E-Book UnPacking Family Programming, our guide to examining generational relationships for better connections.Be OK with you – Before you can expect to find happiness with another person, you need to first have happiness within yourself.Before you can confidently enjoy sharing yourself with someone else, you have to first enjoy your own company.Many people look for partners in order to fulfill them or bring them happiness, but these are not the responsibility of your next partner.By being your most authentic self, and allowing your partner to see it, you’ll be able to consciously commit to your new relationship, knowing that it truly matches your ideal relationship, because it’s foundation is rooted in that authenticity.Most importantly, be compassionate with yourself as you do the hard work of self-inventory, reflection, and intentional forward growth. And then apply that compassion to whoever is lucky enough to earn your woke affections!Love is in the AirHey there, hopeful heart! I'm Blanca DeVille, relationship coach, licensed counselor, and love specialist, owner of Self Lovely , an academy created to help people who want their next relationship to be a mindful connection with evolved hearts.In my 15 year practice as a counselor, I found that many of my patients struggled in relationships, and the root causes often lay with lack of awareness and poor relationship modelling.I decided it was time to focus on the foundations of relationships and created a wellness center around the pursuit of self-awareness and mindful connection. With group workshops and private counselling sessions, we’ve helped love-shy people overcome their past relationships and find the courage to love again.Check out our articles in “Love/Self” magazine, and tune into our guest spot on the “Intentional Heart” podcast.Challenge Your Ways!Check out these helpful resources to help you ditch your self-sabotaging ways!1. Follow us on Instagram. From helpful tips and mindset hacks, to mindfulness reels and Q&A Lives, @SelfLovely is an interactive resource to find compassionate help as you discover your happiest, healthiest self so you can share it with someone new.2. Listen to my Podcast interview on “Intentional Hearts” where I share my tools for love and relationship longevity.3. Want guidance on how to nurture yourself into someone you’d be proud to date? Book a consultation with me. We’ll not only assess your own relationship hurdles, we’ll look at the relationship models that fostered them – and find better ways to love, yourself and others.Get To Know YourselfNow that you've got some insight into how you’re holding yourself back, keep an eye on your inbox for a Whole Hearted Self-Love Action Plan based around your quiz results.Over the next week, I'll share with you more positive relationship building tips and tell you more about how to create a powerful recipe for a lasting love connection.“Happily Ever After is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.”― Fawn Weaver