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What Is Your Forgiveness Style?
Find out what your forgiveness style is by taking our quiz!
When a friend does something wrong to you, what is your first instinct?
I immediately text or call them and start talking to them about it, even though I'm still angry.
I don't say anything to them - I go inward for a while to process.
Whatever! That's on them if they want to act that way. Doesn't affect me!
I start making a list of all the things they'll have to do to make it up to me.
1 / 4
When you've been hurt by a friend, how do they find out that you're upset?
They just have to look at their phone as soon as the transgression has happened to see my text/missed call/email to them about it.
They don't. Maybe they feel me being distant, but they have no idea for a while.
They don't know, ever.
A meeting for a face-to-face conversation has been set up, so they may have an inkling.
2 / 4
What has to happen before full forgiveness is offered by you to your friend?
He/She has to hear me out fully & completely, there may even be yelling and screaming.
A small chat would be nice, no loud voices, maybe even over text.
A list of conditions has to be met, and new standards for our friendship must be set and understood by both parties.
I like to avoid conflict so they probably will never know.
3 / 4
What does forgiveness look like to you?
It looks like a face to face meeting where I will actually say the words, "I forgive you."
I like to call or text them and act like nothing happened, that way they'll know all is forgiven.
I sit down with them and tell them they are forgiven, but I need to see a few changes made in our friendship.
I keep them at an arm's length until I'm pretty sure they get the hint that our friendship isn't valuable to me.
4 / 4
You're a Direct Forgiver!
Direct forgivers are very interested in being clear, plain and honest - you hurt me, but I forgive you. Often, this comes after you, as the victim, has hashed things out with the offender.
The best thing about direct forgivers is when you say those words, you really mean them. That way, you and your friend can move on to your new normal.
As a direct forgiver, you risk making things more complicated by the way you address the hurt you feel by getting angry and possibly saying things you don't mean. The offender may even feel like you're blowing things out of proportion. Stay the course with a measure of perspective, and direct the heat of the anger to another method (writing, punching a pillow, etc.) until the edge is burned off.
You're an Indirect Forgiver!
You prefer to deal with your friend's transgression alone,because you want to avoid conflict. The offender never gets an "I forgive you" sentence or speech from you, so they may never know how much they may have hurt you. They know they are forgiven because you'll probably act like things are back to normal, or even use humor and non-verbal cues to drive the point home that the transgression is in the past.
Indirect forgivers may hold on to some negative affects from the transgression. It's okay that conflict is totally not your thing, but make sure you have released yourself (just like you did your friend) of the negative feelings that have come up after this transgression.
You're a Conditional Forgiver!
You're going to forgive, but you also in protection mode. You want to make sure those feelings don't come up for you again by something this offender has done. You'll set boundaries, limitations, and conditions for your friendship to protect it. You desire the friendship to continue, but you are making it clear that some things won't be tolerated.
Conditional forgivers often risk losing the friendship because the offender does not want to adhere to your conditions. Depending on the severity of the transgression, this is something you'll have to decide for yourself if you're ready to move on without this person in your life, or compromise.